She Says… It’s All Relative

This morning on my way to work, I opened up the daily paper and immediately gravitated toward a headline:

“Hated Pregnancy — And Proud to Admit It!”

Wow. I realize that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but this struck me as very insensitive. Not only to people struggling to even get pregnant, but what about those pregnant women who love being pregnant? The author describes how she hated being fat and emotional. Oh yeah, but she loves her kid now that she’s not preggo.

Man, what I wouldn’t give to be fat and emotional. That woman has no idea how easy she had it.

As for me, still no sign of life on my OPK’s. As I said in the comments in my last post, I am not too worried about getting a positive on the OPK’s, since I would really like to go in to the doctor’s office anyway for bloodwork and ultrasound to see where things are. I’m going to call right now to make an appointment. Best case scenario: I go in for a check-up and everything looks great (nice, big follicles waiting to be released), and I’m instructed to use my injectible trigger of hcG (Ovidrel) to get things moving. However, my OPK’s have been TOTALLY negative the last few days (not even a hint of a pink line), so I’m beginning to get nervous that my check-up will show NOTHING going on. That would be disappointing after all this waiting and wondering! Come on 100mg of Clomid, don’t fail me now!

What do you think about that article? Offensive, annoying or just one woman’s opinion?

She Says… Home Again, Home Again

Ahhhhhhhh. It feels so nice to be home!

On the babymaking front: I finished up my Clomid a few days ago and have been taking 2 teaspoons of Robitussin a day since then to improve my cervical mucus. Not really sure if it’s working yet, or even if it’s something I need to be doing, but the medicine’s not all that bad, and I figure a little cough medicine isn’t going to hurt me. I started using my ovulation predictor kits (OPK) yesterday morning. Negative yesterday and negative today. That is perfect; it’s kind of nice to have a few days of negatives to give me a baseline and make sure there’s a CLEAR difference between today’s reading and the positive I’m going to get in a few days (positive thinking, right?). Just to be on the safe side, my willing husband and I are covering our bases, so to speak. Last month I got my positive OPK on cycle day 15. This month, cycle day 15 should be next Wednesday. Although I’m going to be using the OPK’s every morning until then just to be sure I don’t miss it, I’m not going to be disappointed until at least Thursday if I don’t see a dark pink line. On Thursday if I haven’t gotten a positive, I will go in for bloodwork and ultrasound to check out my progress. If everything’s looking good but I haven’t ovulated yet, we’ll be instructed to use the injectible Ovidrel that’s been sitting in our ‘fridge since last month. I’m hoping that we get a distinct positive early next week and can verify that I ovulated. That would be a huge success!

In other news: Benjamin and I are enjoying our relaxing weekend together. We went on a little date to Whole Foods last night and re-stocked the kitchen with delicious food. We planned out meals for the next week and made some awesome fish tacos last night for dinner. Today I’m baking bread, catching up DVRed tv shows and exercising. Ahhh, what a wonderful life

 

He Says… Start your engines

(First off, Kate apologizes for not responding to many of the comments the last few days.  She is getting crappy internet service at her hotel in Toronto.  She will be back tomorrow night, and will be back to blogging and commenting.)

So, it’s kind of weird that our readers know exactly what we are going to be doing this weekend.  Not that we are keeping it a secret or anything (I mean our blog is pretty much about full disclosure), but I sort of laugh that we have a big weekend ahead of baby-making sex and you all know about it.  This is one of the reasons I am happy that our parents don’t know about our blog yet (but I apologize to my sister, Lisa, who is a regular reader).

So yes, Kate is done with her second round of Clomid.  If she had any mind-altering side effects, I was fortunate enough to have her away for that (although I think she had none).  She has taken her Robitussin to help with her cervical mucus (gross…if that doesn’t put me in the mood, I don’t know what will).  And we have been apart all week.  Which I think was somewhat fortunate timing in gearing up for the weekend ahead.
So I’m all ready.  She just needs to get back here, and then we can try to make ourselves a baby!

She Says… Canada, eh?

I am attending a training in Toronto for work this whole week — I left my poor husband (again) to take care of Schnitzel and our house. Even though I don’t like being away from Benjamin, I love to travel. After our last session today I hit the gym for a quick workout (trying to be good amidst delicious food all week!) and then joined another trainee for dinner at a little Thai place near our hotel. As we chatted, she said something that struck a chord with me.

She was telling me about her two kids (a 3 year old and an 18 month old), and said, “We’re hoping to have three or four, but you just never know…”. I appreciated her awareness that it doesn’t always go according to plan. After dinner as we were walking the chilly streets (Toronto is SUCH a cool city!), she asked me if Benjamin and I were planning on having kids anytime soon. I don’t know if it was the tone of her previous comment, or the fact that it was a one-on-one conversation with someone who was essentially a stranger, but I found myself saying, “Well, we’re trying, but we’re having some trouble”. As soon as I said it she put her hand on my arm and said, “Oh, I completely understand. We had a lot of trouble with my second. I even went to a special doctor and got some help.” Turns out she never got her period back after breastfeeding her first baby, and had to take Clomid to get pregnant with her second (it only took her three rounds). She’s about to see her doctor for another Clomid prescription, since she hasn’t gotten her period again after her second baby.

Why is it that whenever I open up to people about my fertility issues, everyone seems to have a story, but no one ever mentioned it to me before? It’s like some super secret club that you only hear about when you can be a member. And why is it that I feel compelled to tell perfect strangers about my issues, but have difficulty divulging the information to family and friends? Whatever the reason, it felt nice to connect with someone on that level after only being here for one day. And her story totally gave me hope — three rounds did it for her, why not two rounds for me, right?

I pop the last two little Clomid tablets tonight. Then tomorrow I’m going to start taking Robitussin. I don’t generally take a lot of medicine unless I really need it, so daily Robitussin for 6 days seems like overkill, but I’ve done some reading and it sounds like the decongestant thins out sticky cervical mucus (whoa, sorry for not giving you a TMI alert about that one!) to make the spermies more comfortable while they’re swimming. Apparently Clomid causes inhospitable cervical mucus in 30% of women, so even though I don’t know which side of that statistic I am on, I’m not taking any chances! I’d like things to be…. ermmm… smooth sailing for this weekend (prime babymaking time, if all goes according to plan with the ovulating).

Anyone out there used Robitussin? Or did you notice a change while you were on Clomid that was detrimental to babymaking? (Trying to be ladylike with my language here, but let’s be honest, folks, cervical mucus is cervical mucus).

She Says… Even on Halloween

… I can’t get away from the fertility issue! This year, my main man and I transformed ourselves into the epitome of babymakers: Jon and Kate Gosselin. As most of you know, Benjamin and I used to really love Jon & Kate + 8 (we blogged about them here, here and here); before all of their divorce drama happpened, of course. It just seemed too perfect not to parody them this year.

When we entered the Halloween party, we were greeted with screams and laughter — everyone knew exactly who we were, thanks to the very authentic reverse-mullet wig I found

We even won a costume contest!

As far as the Clomid goes, the 100mgs are going down just fine. No new side effects or weird reactions. Lets hope my eggs get rolling soon… but not 6 at once (a la Kate Gosselin), mmmkay?

She Says… Halloween Candy

Happy [early] Halloween!  I hope you’re all putting the finishing touches on your costumes. I love this holiday, because I love to dress up. Benjamin and I have had made some pretty groovy Halloween costumes together over the last few years.

Last year we were an Olympic Table Tennis Doubles Team. See the custom shirts with our names and the gold medal?

 

In 2007 we were Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. Check out the hand-made costumes with removeable velcro pieces! NOT my most flaterring photos, however…

   

We have also been salad. I’m a Chef Salad, he’s a Caesar Salad. Not our best work, but we were late for a party!

   

And, perhaps my most impressive design made entirely out of felt and hot glue… Fred and Wilma Flintstone! What a man to let me put him in an outfit that skimpy… and he still asked me to marry him a few months later (this was taken when I was still in college, pre-proposal).

And what is the dynamic duo going to be this year? It’s so hilarious, I can’t even say it without laughing. Pictures to come on Sunday. A little hint: If you’ve read this blog from the beginning, you already know about our love for this. What could it be, what could it be? Only time will tell…

And now I’m off to start popping Clomid like Halloween candy! Tonight’s the night I start it up again. 100 mg, here I come.

What are you going to be for Halloween?

She Says… Trial and Error

The most frustrating thing about struggling with infertility for me is not knowing what’s going on in my body or how to make it do what I want it to. As a self-proclaimed control freak, this constant state of not knowing drives me batty. When I knew something wasn’t right when I didn’t get my period after going off birth control, I looked to doctors to use their magic to decipher the truth. But in the end, it’s really just a game of trial and error. The bottom line is that they don’t always know either, even though they are supposed to be ”the experts”.

So, in an effort to gather as much information as possible, I turned to the internet, Googling the heck out of every search term I could think of. And I started this blog. And I joined Rubyfeather, a group of women in the Boston area going through some of the same issues. And I read other peoples’ blogs. Lots and lots of blogs. As I read them, there is this little ticker running in my mind all the time: She’s doing this, should I be doing that?… Her doctor said this, but my doctor says that… And on and on. And as more people have started reading this blog, I’ve started getting emails from readers doing the same thing. Comparing stories, asking for advice, offering advice, suggestions, comforting words. I love hearing from each and every one of you.

Over time I have received a few emails/comments that address the same issue: they question the level of care I am receiving from Dr. P. They asked why I wasn’t more closely monitored with bloodwork and follicle counts/measurements every few days throughout my cycle. They countered Dr. P’s decision to not give extra progesterone supplements with the Clomid. They expressed disapproval of the order of tests that he ran.

At first when I read these emails and comments, they made me angry. I trust Dr. P; I chose him because he is a well-respected doctor at one of the best infertility clinics in the country. I’m putting my body and my future in his hands. So I ignored them. But then I started questioning why I blindly put so much trust in him just because he is a doctor. Maybe I was wrong to just do what I was told and not question him? Maybe I should be pushing for more aggressive treatment or certain medicine?

So today I called Dr. P’s nurse coordinator (the one who knows me and answers all of my questions), and I told her I had been talking with some other people going through this process and that they were being monitored more carefully (bloodwork and ultrasound prior to each Clomid cycle, more bloodwork and ultrasound once the Clomid was finished, still more bloodwork and ultrasound around the expected date of ovulation, hcg injections, post-injection check-ups, etc.), and I asked her why I wasn’t getting these daily check-ups. She said that Dr. P was following normal protocol. That he is an extremely cautious doctor who doesn’t like to disrupt his patient’s lives with daily doctor’s appointments. Given my young age (26), overall health (excellent), fertility history (only been off birth control since March, borderline “Lean PCOS” diagnosis), and timeline (only on second cycle of Clomid, still having “relations”, as they call it, not IUI or IVF), he likes to take things slowly. And since I am starting with the lowest dosage of Clomid and working my way up, there is only a very small chance that I’ll be overstimulated. Given the fact that there’s no evidence that I have even ovulated at all yet, and my almost-normal antral follicle count from my previous ultrasound, he does not see a reason to overwhelm me with monitoring appointments and bills at this point. And for that, I thank him.

The nurse’s answer assuaged my fears, but still leaves me with that icky not knowing feeling. I don’t know what the right course of action is. Why aren’t there hard and fast rules about these things? The answer, of course, is that no two bodies are exactly the same. What your doctor says about you may not be true about me, and vice versa. So I appreciate hearing from everyone, but please know that I am a firm believer in individualized care. What works for me may not work for you. And what your doctor recommends for you might not be good for me. And as much as we’re all searching for answers in each others’ stories, we have to realize that we have no idea. It’s all a game of trial and error.

What about you? For those of you on Clomid/IUI cycles, are you monitored every few days? Does it add stress to your life and schedule? How do you know if your doctor is taking the right course of action?

She Says… T minus 3 days

Hello again, my lovely imaginary friends. I missed you over the last few days! I was in Kentucky for a little vacay, visiting my two sisters (one of whom is preggo, and has an adorable baby bump), my mom, my brother-in-law and my adorable 2 1/2 year old niece. All the ladies of the family! It felt so good to be surrounded by family. We laughed the weekend away together (mostly at the hilarious things that came out of my niece’s mouth — she cracks me up!), carved pumpkins, did some pre-Halloween trick-or-treating with the little one, cooked delicious food and enjoyed every minute of each others’ company.

My older sister, who is a doctor, has known about Benjamin’s and my struggle to conceive since the beginning. I confided in her very early on in the process because I needed her medical opinion, and, even more so, her sisterly support. A few months later, as I found myself disappointed by a few too many negative pregnancy tests, I told my mom about our issues as well. I haven’t done a great job of keeping my mom “in the loop”, however, as I didn’t want to admit how long the whole babymaking process was taking or how scared I was that things just kept getting more complicated. On this visit to see them, though, I felt compelled to talk about the issues we have been dealing with (I even said the dreaded “I” word). One night my sisters and I stayed up way too late catching each other up on our lives, and another afternoon my mom listened to the whole story from the beginning.

As I talked about our journey so far, I found myself torn between a lot of different emotions. On one hand, these are some of the only people in my life I would be completely honest with about how scary this has been, and how sad and lonely it feels sometimes. I could feel tears pricking my eyes throughout the weekend, even at random times, as I allowed myself to think some of the thoughts I had been pushing from my mind at home. A part of me just wanted to stop talking and start crying; something I haven’t really done at all yet. On the other hand, I really do still feel so positive and optimistic about the future. I just know we’re going to get our little plus sign soon. The strong, stoic part of my personality wants to share the facts of our diagnosis, and nonchalantly breeze past the heartache. If I don’t talk about it, maybe it isn’t really all that hard after all. Right? Right.

I chose the latter, so I probably came off a bit more matter-of-fact and less emotional than I really feel about the whole mess. But I know that my sisters and my mom heard the truth behind the words I said. I know they saw me blink back the tears and they are doing their best to be there for me however I need them to be. That’s what family is for, no?

So now I’m back home. I returned to an immaculately clean house and a bouquet of flowers from my wonderful husband. Isn’t he the best? I love when he misses me! I returned the favor by making him a healthy dinner chock full of veggies. And now guess what today is?! T minus 3 days until I start my second round of Clomid. We’re pulling out the big guns and increasing the dosage to 100mg. So intead of popping one little white pill for 5 days, I’ll pop 2. I’m a little nervous for side effects, seeing as we’re doubling the amount of meds, but I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get my body ovulating. The waiting is almost over! Hooray!

He Says… Come Home, Kate!

(This is not an attempt to write another sappy post.)

Kate went away for the weekend to visit her family, and I got off the hook to join her.  I was actually really looking forward to a weekend home alone as I haven’t had one all year probably.  I had a boy’s poker night on Friday night, slept late, watched tv, ate fewer vegetables than normal, didn’t go to the gym, etc.  It was just like being a bachelor again.  One of my friends who came over who has a 4-month old daughter told me to relish in this time to myself as I will not get it once we have a kid.  I certainly realize that, so attempted to do as little as possible all weekend (come on, I have been working really hard recently…I needed a little break).

Anyways, now I am bored.  I want my wife back.  It’s very quiet when Kate isn’t around and Schnitzel (our labradoodle) doesn’t have much to say.  Unfortunately Kate is gone the week after this one, too, for work and I’ll be all alone again.  Boo.  But then she’ll be back and we can get back on track to make a baby.

So, come home Kate.  I miss you.  And I need some vegetables.

She Says… Imaginary Friends

First things first, I apologize that we don’t have more babymaking details to give you. As you know, the plan for the next “try” (I can’t really call it a cycle anymore, since nothin’s cycling on its own!) is to double up the Clomid to 100mg and get a progesterone test at 7 days past ovulation to see if I really ovulate and/or have a low progesterone issue. But, as Benjamin explained, we have a lot of tricky scheduling coming up: he’s traveling, then I’m traveling, etc. And since I need to ovulate and then have the progesterone test, I need to make sure I’m scheduling ovulation at a time when I’ll be home, and then I’ll be home again a week later. Yikes!

After much calendar shuffling, I think we’re going to start the Clomid on Halloween. I’m a little bummed that means that we’re hanging out doing nothing (on the babymaking front, at least) for a few weeks an eternity, but I guess two more weeks won’t kill us!

In the meantime, I’ve been thinking a lot about telling our friends and family what we’re going through. In the beginning, I didn’t want to tell anyone that I wasn’t cycling normally because a) that’s pretty personal, and most people don’t want to hear about my periods and b) I wanted them to be surprised when they found out I was preggo. As the months have gone by and I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS, I am slowly coming to the realization that I am not like everyone else. That I really do have a fertility issue. It still hasn’t hit me entirely — I still feel like we’re going to get pregnant really, really soon and I won’t ever have to face the “I” word (infertility). And I will be able to say to people, “Oh, it took a few months, but now he/she is here and it’s fabulous!”.

That’s where you come in. You, my imaginary friends. Oh, I know that  you are all real people with real stories and real lives, jobs, etc. But since I only see you when I log-on to my computer, it kind of feels like you are imaginary. But you have been my source of comfort and friendship and release throughout the last few frustrating months. In some ways, I feel like I don’t need to tell people in my real life, because I already have a community of fabulous women who completely understand where I’m coming from (or try their very best to) and who root us on and support us. But in other ways, it would be really nice to be able to just chat with friends about cycles and Clomid and ovulation and periods and how my womb aches for a baby sometimes.

Lo and behold, the other day I saw that one of my readers and fellow bloggers has started a Boston Meetup Group called Rubyfeather. 

RubyFeather hopes to engage and empower women who are experiencing the ups and downs of  adding on to their families. We believe that we are stronger together, than individually. We are here to offer you some good energy, and some girl power. We meet up for coffee-talk, mocktails, mixers and outings. Whether you are single, married, gay, or straight, you are welcome. Whether your journey is through IVF, IUI, adoption, or the traditional method we encourage you to join us. We are not a “group therapy session” but a group of strong ladies who believe laughter and encouragement is the best medicine …

Are you in the Boston area? Do you want to meet up with us? Sign up for Rubyfeather! Thank you for organizing, Shell!

If you’re struggling with babymaking, have you told family and friends?