I sit at a computer all day to do my job. I sit in front of a computer to blog. I sit in front of the computer to tweet. I sit in front of a computer to check out what people have pinned in Pinterest. I sit in front of a computer to watch videos on YouTube or catch up on a tv show we forgot to DVD. I sit in front of the computer to look up recipes for what to make for dinner. I sit in front of the computer to organize photos of Owen. I sit in front of the computer to shop for Christmas presents and order diapers.
Tuesday through Friday, I only get 3 hours a day to see Owen’s little face and touch his soft skin, kiss his chubby cheeks, feel his cold clammy hands on my arm, read the same books over and over again with his wriggly little body planted firmly in my lap. I’m not going to spend those precious hours in front of a computer screen. I close my computer when I finish working and usually don’t open it up until the next morning. Sure, I have to check my personal emails once in awhile (or else when would they get answered?) and I have to pay bills and things like that in the evenings sometimes, but generally, I unplug.
Similarly, on weekends, I just
don’t want to can’t tear myself away from Owen to sit in front of the computer. So I am quiet on Twitter. I don’t blog. I am terrible at returning personal emails. I send calls to voicemail. I don’t check my Blackberry for work. I do my best to unplug, and just be. It’s not hard. In fact, once you start, you may not be able to stop.
It is amazing.
I don’t feel “pulled in a million directions” the way that so many working moms do. I don’t feel “torn” or “stressed” or like I “have to choose” between competing priorities. I’ve made my choice. It’s Owen. It’s family time. It’s playing in the leaves and strolling with coffees and finding new playgrounds and endless games of peekaboo and singing silly songs and rough-housing and throwing Owen up in the air until Schnitzel barks, telling us all to calm down. I don’t think I would feel that way if my computer was open, with my emails staring me in the face and begging me to sneak in work when I really want to be cuddling my baby. There’s plenty of time for that, starting bright and early Tuesday morning.
I go through phases of wanting and needing the internet and being anti-technology. Before I was pregnant I spent hours on Facebook and email keeping up with friends. When we were struggling to get pregnant I researched and researched and hung on every word I read. I “met” amazing women going through similar struggles and joined discussions and read and read and read until my eyes just about popped out of my head. When I was pregnant it was pretty much the same. When I was on maternity leave the internet sometimes felt like my only connection to a world outside of diapers and breastfeeding trouble and stressing about every little detail of every single day. But now I feel like I’ve hit a different point. Without meaning to, I feel myself pulling away.
I’ve been having trouble coming up with blog posts recently. And it’s not for lack of things to say, believe me. It’s because I just don’t want to sit in front of this screen any longer than I have to. There’s way too much amazingness in my life right now that I fear I will miss out on. And when that’s not going on, hey, I like to get the laundry folded and the toilets cleaned so that when the fun happens, I’m not thinking about that something else I need to be doing.
In a way I feel like I owe you an apology. My blog posts have been lacking recently. I’ve even toyed with the idea of stopping the blog altogether. But every time I think about doing that, two things stop me. First, I love to write. I mean, I love it. I had no idea how much I loved it until I started blogging. The words just come tumbling out and sometimes I wish I could sit all day and do nothing more than just write them down. Who knows, maybe I should be thinking about a career change. I would be in heaven just writing all day. There’s a passion there that isn’t satisfied by any other part of my life. So there’s that.
And then there’s you. You, my amazing readers, who have taught me, shared with me, picked me up, knocked me down a peg, congratulated me, thanked me, helped me along the way. You’ve become my friends. Part of my life. I can’t just close the door. For every nasty comment or cruel word I’ve received, there are 10 more emails from people saying that my blog has helped them in some way. That my story resonated with them. That they learned something. That they love just looking at our pictures. Whatever it is, I appreciate it. And it would make me sad to not have you in my life.
All of that to say that I’m going through a phase right now. An “I just want to spend every second breathing in my life right now, and not let it pass me by while I sit in front of a computer screen” phase.
So please forgive me if I don’t blog every day for a little while. I’m here. Just watching my son’s long eyelashes flutter while he sleeps. Laughing at the way he shouts out new words every day. Holding his tiny wrist as we go for walks. Building with blocks and playing on playgrounds and reading books. Trying not to be in front of a computer screen.