Hello, Little One.
I know it’s taken me a long time to write to you. You have been growing inside me for 14 weeks! It wasn’t that I didn’t know you were in there or that I was surprised by you. No, quite the contrary. Daddy and I hoped for you since before you even existed. I knew you were in there even before I got the positive pregnancy test. I just knew.
It’s taken me so long to write to you for two reasons. First, I have become deeply aware that things don’t always work out as planned with babies. There are so many things that can go wrong in the process, and I’ve learned once again, as I did with your big brother Owen, that I am definitely not in control of how/when the miracle of making a baby will happen. So for the first few weeks while I was in shock and awe that you were really in there, growing, I was also scared out of my mind that something was going to go wrong. I hope, when you are older, that you do not have to keep learning this lesson as I have. However, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel so lucky to have you and your brother (and any future babies, should they come along!), no matter what heartache brought you here.
The other reason it took me so long to write to you is that life is busy. Owen is a hilarious, curious, verbose, rambunctious, 2 1/2 year old ball of energy. He never stops moving, asking questions, demanding attention or cracking us up. Work is busy and Daddy’s work forces him to travel a lot. In short, you’re already a part of a crazy whirlwind of a family and it’s only going to get crazier once you arrive. I have no doubt you will grow to love our loud, silly, funny family and you will quickly find that although you’ve just arrived, it’s like you were always a part of it.
But don’t let that make you think, for a second, that you’re being forgotten. You’re not. In fact, you’re more like my best kept secret right now. Of course people can tell that I’m pregnant (boy, can they ever… you sure made yourself known very early on!), but there’s often so much going on that the only one thinking about you daily is me. I was stuck in bed last week with the flu (ugh, it was beyond awful) and though it felt kind of lonely when I couldn’t play with Owen or talk with Daddy, I knew you were there keeping me company. I even think I felt you move around in my belly for the first time when I was laying still in my bed. It’s like you were saying, “Hey, Mommy! I’m here!”.
You are no bigger than a lemon and I already love everything about you.
Owen is totally, completely, head-over-heels in love with you too. He talks about you all the time and often says he wants you to sit next to him when I strap him into his carseat in the car. He is also 100% convinced that you are a girl. A sister. Oh, how it melts me to hear him say that word with such love! I keep trying to tell him that you could be a boy or a girl, but he has stuck to his guns for the last month or more that you are a girl (which, if you know anything about two year olds, you will know is a miracle that he hasn’t changed his mind).
I keep going back and forth between dreaming of you as a boy and as a girl. If you are a boy, I can’t help but laugh thinking of all the wild and crazy shenanigans you are going to get into with your brother. There has been something so special about the mother/son bond that I have with Owen, that would be thrilled to be outnumbered by yet another little guy. And yet, the idea that you are a girl flutters my stomach and makes me dream of the things that only a mother and daughter share. And, as I said, the way that Owen says the word sister makes my heart break into a million little pieces. I am certain we will adore you, whatever you are!
I’m not one to have premonitions about things like this, but I’m kind of thinking you are a boy. Sorry, Owen. We will find out in a few weeks!
We love you, Little One. More than you may ever know. Don’t you ever forget it.