She Says… Confession Time

Since the beginning of this whole babymaking process, Benjamin has posted many times about sex. For awhile there, it was kind of the only part of the process he participated in, and so it was his topic of choice 🙂  I, on the other hand, was content to let Benjamin spill the beans from his perspective, and kept a bit quieter about this subject. Partly it’s because I know our parents read this blog (hi, Mom!), and partly it’s because I know it’s a topic that is so unique to each couple, and I don’t like the idea of people comparing themselves to us in any way. Call me old-fashioned!

However, I feel like I need to mention it from the pregnant woman’s perspective, if only to offer my experience as a comfort if other women are struggling with some of the same challenges. If you’re one of those lucky pregnant women who had/are having the best sex of your life while pregnant, more power to you. Apparently I am not.

Pregnant sex, for me, is… tricky. As you can see from my belly pics, I am pretty much hiding a soccer ball under my shirt at this point, so the sheer logistics of skin-to-skin contact are a challenge. But even that can be overcome with a bit of creativity. Unfortunately, even when all the bits and pieces are in the right place, I feel all kinds of weird pokes and prods and flutters and kicks in my stomach. Not to mention the fact that I can barely breathe when my lungs are smooshed one way or the other. Also, my balance is off and my arms get tired holding up my torso and I often feel like my “delicate” new body is squished uncomfortably. For me, it’s not even the weirdness of “Oh, there’s a BABY between us” (which is, if you think about it, strange enough to derail most peoples’ sexual momentum); it’s more that I’m so distracted by the strange sensations that I can’t concentrate on anything.

Oh, and another thing. While I know that Benjamin loves and adores me, I’m not sure he totally digs my pregnant body. Let’s be honest… it’s foreign. I have curves in places I’ve never had curves before (and believe me, I was relatively curvy to begin with). It’s not that he doesn’t love my pregnant body, as I know he is as amazed and awe-struck as I am about the changes taking place. But it IS a little disconcerting to watch the person you’ve been seeing naked for many years blow up like a balloon in a matter of months. My once-cute feet have turned into sausages and you can no longer see much muscle definition in my arms. My boobs have gotten bigger (which would generally have a positive effect on his desire), but along with them has come a stomach so round that the skin looks like it might burst. Don’t get me wrong — I still think I’m a cute pregnant lady 🙂 I just think it’s a lot for a husband to witness and not feel a little alienated at times.

The bottom line is that our relationship is far from dwindling because of this shift in priorities. Our love for each other get stronger with every day that brings us closer to having our little guy in our arms. And we really can’t get enough of spending time with each other. But I think we’ve entered a new phase in our lives; one in which sex is not a top priority. And for the next 10 weeks, it might not even be a priority at all. And I think that’s totally ok. It’s just… different.We both recognize how important intimacy is to our relationship; we’re just exploring the difference between intimacy and sex.

So, I’m scared to open up this can of worms. But… anyone have anything to add?

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21 responses to “She Says… Confession Time

  1. I’m right there with ya! I think the hardest thing is we go from baby making (where sex is really exciting and necessary and…plentiful) to pregnancy, when it takes a backseat. I’m ok with it, and so is my hubby (who is almost scarily turned on by the pregnant physique, hehe). It’s just another phase to go through.

  2. I totally understand where you’re coming from, I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant and have a 19 month old to chase around after all day. Most days, sex is the last thing on my mind. However, I’ve learned that sex for me is kind of like exercise; I never regret doing it once I’m done :). Also, for my husband, sex = love so if we’re not doing it, he feels less loved. He is incredibly understanding especially as I get further along that I am not comfortable but I enjoy that intimate time with him.

    Not to give TMI but our sex life is definitely not how it was before we had kids but it is something we do prioritize because it makes us stronger as a couple and at the end of the day, us being a stronger couple makes our relationship more stable.

  3. Virtual Sinner

    I think for most couples, sex stays several places down on the priority list for quite a while. Baby doesn’t just take your time and energy, he/she changes how you think and what you want. You gain a lot, you lose a little.

  4. I have to say, one thing I was looking forward to with pregnancy was the legendary increase in sex drive in the second trimester (think Rachel in Friends!) – especially since my natural desire is somewhat lacking. No such luck in my first pg, although it did happen in my second. We’ll see with this one 🙂

    And, the sex that goes away during pregnancy also doesn’t make a comeback for quite a while afterwards. Depending on how delivery goes you may not be ready for it for a few weeks/months afterwards. And then there’s the exhaustion to deal with too.

    I definitely agree with Sarah, though, about not regretting it once it’s happened/ing, although the wanting took me a long time to get back to (especially as my libido seems to take a big dive while breastfeeding).

    Sorry for the rambling, I think it’s great you’re bringing this up / thinking about it!

  5. it’s only just begun! great post

  6. Thanks for the honest perspective 🙂 Also, this made me laugh out loud: “My once-cute feet have turned into sausages” hahaha

    Sorry for the swelling 🙂

  7. …and if only sex could jump back up on the priority list after the bambino is born. Sadly, it stays in the backseat for a while, or (at least for me) becomes something I need to *make* myself do for a bit. Not because I don’t think it is important, or because I love my husband any less or find him less attractive…but as a new mom you have to deal not only with the exhaustion, but, if you’re breastfeeding, you have an infant who is clinging to you MANY hours of the day, and when I climb into bed I just want my own space and to NOT be touched for a little while.

    But..I absolutely agree with Sarah, and love the analogy 🙂

  8. While I agree that pregnancy changes a lot, I manage to push through and still enjoy time with my husband. I’m overdue now, so it’s even stranger now because I totally want to do it because I’m tired of being uncomfortable. I’m using him for his cervix ripening agent!

    Luckily, he’s ok with that 🙂

  9. I totally get where you’re coming from here. Sex was weird for us for awhile, since after trying for 15 months straight, it was really becoming a chore. It was good there for awhile after getting pregnant, but DH has now admitted he is completed weirded out by the fact that “someone else” is there too. I don’t think it will be happening again for a quite some time. I think we’re both okay with that!

  10. Maybe I’m just optimistic but I’m thinking we’ll be enjoying sex til the end! I’m just over 25 weeks right now and so far (aside from a short time during my first trimester when I was REALLY sick) our sex life hasn’t changed much at all. He’s really into my pregnant body (thank goodness) and that makes me feel even more loved.

    We still do it every other day if not every day…..not sure if that’s normal or not.

  11. I totally understand you on this one. I’ve been feeling guilty about not giving my husband enough sex. A week or two will go by where we’re either too tired or I’m feeling uncomfortable enough to not want to be intimate. Fortunately, my husband completely understands and doesn’t pressure me at all, but I feel terrible about not continuing as I would like to.

    Although, once we do start in on the moment, I never regret it once it’s over. It just feels like a lot of effort getting myself psyched to be in the moment and then physically maneuvering myself to try it as much as I think about doing it.

    Just know you’re not alone. =)

  12. Thanks for posting that. Our sex life has been pretty much non existent. It’s just not on my radar AT ALL, I totally about it and then I feel bad because my partner never asks. Now that I’m at 36 weeks it’s pretty much impossible – not just because I’m HUGE but also because my down there area is experiencing all sorts of uncomfortable stuff these days. I knoforgetw some women are super-sexed up when they are pregnant but that was not my experience at all. Thanks again for bringing this up!

  13. I am with you 100%. At first, hubby was really bummed and kind of angry that I didn’t want to hit the sack all the time… but now he is being SO understanding that I just don’t feel comfortable during the deed, and he doesn’t even bring it up anymore. Like you all, there are so many other more important things in our relationship right now. I do have to say though, he loves my pregnant body 🙂

  14. My problem is that after we have sex, I spend the next 4-5 hours convinced that I just did something terrible to harm the baby. I start in on my worries of the baby not moving enough or moving too much, did we squish the baby, what if he broke my water, what if I start having contractions, etc. It is just not worth it for me at this point!!!

  15. Hey girlie. You are absolutely not out there swimming alone. Take from a second time prego who actually CAN’T have sex during pregnancy. It’s tough because there is certainly a period when you want to and are in the mood, before you feel like a whale. Check out one of my older blog entries … TMI … anyway, I know it’s frustrating but it’s OK for you or both of you not to want sex or just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. You have a good man and he understands I’m sure. Remember that it will be another 6 weeks or so after you deliver before you can have sex and trust me … you will be so tired, sex will be a distant memory for a bit. It does come back and you guys will experience that love all over again, without your belly in the way and no one will be poking you. Well, you know what I mean! Good luck! Amy

  16. I am tired of saying I’M TIRED! This round happened unbelievably fast, so there wasn’t much then, and now I’m just not in the mood, but unfortunately other person in this marriage is. I think it’s a sacrifice well worth it.

  17. Yeah…my son was born on March 11, and the last time we had sex before that was somewhere around Christmas! We talked about it, and both felt pretty bad about it, but I just didn’t have the desire, and my husband felt kind of awkward about it. The last time we did, it just wasn’t enjoyable for either of us (mostly for me though). That being said, 6 weeks post-partum couldn’t have come soon enough for either of us. 🙂

  18. Good to know! I am only 11 weeks and I am so EXHAUSTED all the time that it’s really not on the top of my list…not to mention I am very prone to UTI’s and get them when we have sex…so that pretty much sucks. I am hoping for the 2nd trimester surge of desire..DH probably is too! I guess only time will tell, but I am sure you aren’t alone on this one!!! (as you can already see in teh comments!)

  19. Everyone is different. But don’t ever lose sight of what is important. Take care of your marriage first and foremost. I hate to say that, because the baby is such an important part of your lives, but always remember what got you that baby. Sex is important but can definitely take the back seat if you both agree. Good luck. And good long kiss can go a long way. Make out a little!! LOL

  20. I’m almost 24 weeks pregnant now and our sex life seems to move in cycles. In the first trimester, I was going to bed at 8 o’clock which only left a two hour block for dinner to get made and consumed, bath to be run and had and bed to be climbed into. Sex just didn’t factor in. It was a bit of a change for both of us since we are usually a sort of ‘every day’ kind of couple.

    Once the second trimester came around and I had more energy, things picked up in this department. We moved into a twice/thrice per week cycle for several weeks.

    Now we seem to be in a once/twice per week cycle which suits us both just fine. The connection is important however honestly, I get almost as much from a spontaneous foot or back rub or from having him bring me ice cream when I just can’t walk another step.

    I’ve been reading this blog for some time and it actually inspired me to get writing one myself. Kate, I really appreciate your candidness and hope that some day I can achieve the sort of masterpiece you have with this project.

  21. Alright its confession time…?
    my bestfriend’s brother and i like eachother alot.. and madeout. she knows we kinda liked eachother because we always joked around about it but we are actually serious.

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