Want to know something that is uncomfortable, demoralizing and generally a frustrating pain in the arse? Bathing suit shopping when you are in the “fat but not yet pregnant” stage.
I know our Jamaica trip will include at least a day or two of sitting on the beach, and I’m going to need some sort of stretchy, waterproof getup to cover myself. In the past, that would have been a bikini. Now, with my rapidly expanding waistline and pale, hairy stomach, that ain’t happenin’! So what’s a kind of pregnant girl to do?
I headed to Target in order to avoid the post-Christmas mall craziness. I tried on EVERY tankini and one-piece in the store, and tore each of them off of me almost as quickly as they were on. The legs were too tight, or the tank top was too long and baggy, or the boobs didn’t fit… I even hit up the maternity section (which, surprisingly, had some of the cutest options!), but they all bagged unflatteringly around the midsection and hung down past my crotch so it looked like I didn’t have bathing suit bottoms on. Now, I’m used to challenging shopping experiences (I’m barely 5’2″ and have always had a teeny tiny top half and disproportionately larger bottom half, though over the last two years since I’ve been losing weight, I have started to fit into normal sizes), but this was ridiculous! N-O-T-H-I-N-G fit. And we leave on Wednesday for our lovely island vacay.
I left Target without a suit and with some more goldfish crackers and popcorn cakes to munch on since I was getting hangry (hungry + angry) and headed over to Old Navy. Almost all of the bikinis in my closet are from Old Navy, so I thought I would have more luck there. But apparently they don’t think it’s bathing suit season yet. Can you blame them? There’s SNOW on the ground! So I drove BACK to Target and bought the least hideous of the ones I had tried on.
Ugh. Gross. I plan to spend my Jamaica trip in sundresses instead. Hey, I have to stay out of the sun anyway, so why not keep the pasty stomach covered up? Note to others: AVOID bathing suit shopping until you have a cute little baby bump to fill out the maternity suits!