Hello again, my lovely imaginary friends. I missed you over the last few days! I was in Kentucky for a little vacay, visiting my two sisters (one of whom is preggo, and has an adorable baby bump), my mom, my brother-in-law and my adorable 2 1/2 year old niece. All the ladies of the family! It felt so good to be surrounded by family. We laughed the weekend away together (mostly at the hilarious things that came out of my niece’s mouth — she cracks me up!), carved pumpkins, did some pre-Halloween trick-or-treating with the little one, cooked delicious food and enjoyed every minute of each others’ company.
My older sister, who is a doctor, has known about Benjamin’s and my struggle to conceive since the beginning. I confided in her very early on in the process because I needed her medical opinion, and, even more so, her sisterly support. A few months later, as I found myself disappointed by a few too many negative pregnancy tests, I told my mom about our issues as well. I haven’t done a great job of keeping my mom “in the loop”, however, as I didn’t want to admit how long the whole babymaking process was taking or how scared I was that things just kept getting more complicated. On this visit to see them, though, I felt compelled to talk about the issues we have been dealing with (I even said the dreaded “I” word). One night my sisters and I stayed up way too late catching each other up on our lives, and another afternoon my mom listened to the whole story from the beginning.
As I talked about our journey so far, I found myself torn between a lot of different emotions. On one hand, these are some of the only people in my life I would be completely honest with about how scary this has been, and how sad and lonely it feels sometimes. I could feel tears pricking my eyes throughout the weekend, even at random times, as I allowed myself to think some of the thoughts I had been pushing from my mind at home. A part of me just wanted to stop talking and start crying; something I haven’t really done at all yet. On the other hand, I really do still feel so positive and optimistic about the future. I just know we’re going to get our little plus sign soon. The strong, stoic part of my personality wants to share the facts of our diagnosis, and nonchalantly breeze past the heartache. If I don’t talk about it, maybe it isn’t really all that hard after all. Right? Right.
I chose the latter, so I probably came off a bit more matter-of-fact and less emotional than I really feel about the whole mess. But I know that my sisters and my mom heard the truth behind the words I said. I know they saw me blink back the tears and they are doing their best to be there for me however I need them to be. That’s what family is for, no? 🙂
So now I’m back home. I returned to an immaculately clean house and a bouquet of flowers from my wonderful husband. Isn’t he the best? I love when he misses me! I returned the favor by making him a healthy dinner chock full of veggies. And now guess what today is?! T minus 3 days until I start my second round of Clomid. We’re pulling out the big guns and increasing the dosage to 100mg. So intead of popping one little white pill for 5 days, I’ll pop 2. I’m a little nervous for side effects, seeing as we’re doubling the amount of meds, but I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get my body ovulating. The waiting is almost over! Hooray!