She Says… T minus 3 days

Hello again, my lovely imaginary friends. I missed you over the last few days! I was in Kentucky for a little vacay, visiting my two sisters (one of whom is preggo, and has an adorable baby bump), my mom, my brother-in-law and my adorable 2 1/2 year old niece. All the ladies of the family! It felt so good to be surrounded by family. We laughed the weekend away together (mostly at the hilarious things that came out of my niece’s mouth — she cracks me up!), carved pumpkins, did some pre-Halloween trick-or-treating with the little one, cooked delicious food and enjoyed every minute of each others’ company.

My older sister, who is a doctor, has known about Benjamin’s and my struggle to conceive since the beginning. I confided in her very early on in the process because I needed her medical opinion, and, even more so, her sisterly support. A few months later, as I found myself disappointed by a few too many negative pregnancy tests, I told my mom about our issues as well. I haven’t done a great job of keeping my mom “in the loop”, however, as I didn’t want to admit how long the whole babymaking process was taking or how scared I was that things just kept getting more complicated. On this visit to see them, though, I felt compelled to talk about the issues we have been dealing with (I even said the dreaded “I” word). One night my sisters and I stayed up way too late catching each other up on our lives, and another afternoon my mom listened to the whole story from the beginning.

As I talked about our journey so far, I found myself torn between a lot of different emotions. On one hand, these are some of the only people in my life I would be completely honest with about how scary this has been, and how sad and lonely it feels sometimes. I could feel tears pricking my eyes throughout the weekend, even at random times, as I allowed myself to think some of the thoughts I had been pushing from my mind at home. A part of me just wanted to stop talking and start crying; something I haven’t really done at all yet. On the other hand, I really do still feel so positive and optimistic about the future. I just know we’re going to get our little plus sign soon. The strong, stoic part of my personality wants to share the facts of our diagnosis, and nonchalantly breeze past the heartache. If I don’t talk about it, maybe it isn’t really all that hard after all. Right? Right.

I chose the latter, so I probably came off a bit more matter-of-fact and less emotional than I really feel about the whole mess. But I know that my sisters and my mom heard the truth behind the words I said. I know they saw me blink back the tears and they are doing their best to be there for me however I need them to be. That’s what family is for, no? 🙂

So now I’m back home. I returned to an immaculately clean house and a bouquet of flowers from my wonderful husband. Isn’t he the best? I love when he misses me! I returned the favor by making him a healthy dinner chock full of veggies. And now guess what today is?! T minus 3 days until I start my second round of Clomid. We’re pulling out the big guns and increasing the dosage to 100mg. So intead of popping one little white pill for 5 days, I’ll pop 2. I’m a little nervous for side effects, seeing as we’re doubling the amount of meds, but I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get my body ovulating. The waiting is almost over! Hooray!


20 responses to “She Says… T minus 3 days

  1. awww, ya’ll are just too cute! 🙂

    Sending lots of good vibes your way that 100mgs of Clomid is the magic number!!

  2. HI friend. I missed you! I am glad you talked to your mom and sis. Any support (well good support) is needed going through the process we are dealing with!
    3 days!!! We are so close on schedules. I am on day 4 of my 100mg dosage. Crazy. I take it at night and the only difference I notice from the 50mg is I am asleep a lot sooner and had a night of sweats.
    I’m glad you gots some veggies in that man of yours. He missed you like crazy.

  3. Awesome update! I totally feel you on confiding in family and how that feels. My Mom is the only one besides my hubby who knows the whole sob story (ha!), she’s been amazing–even talked me through some tears (I hate to admit). Even if they haven’t been through it themselves, they so badly want you to be happy and that rock-solid support feels awesome.

    I’m on CD11 and have been re-reading your Clomid posts. Still nothing more than a faint line on my OPKs, but I’m totally channeling your positive thinking and energy and hoping I can ovulate with this 50mg nudge. Keep us posted on how the new cycle goes!! Hurray!

  4. I actually had less side effects with 100mg than I did with 50mg. Good luck! Looks like I will be about a week behind you this cycle 🙂

  5. Good luck with everything!!! I’ve been very honest with my family – they all know what I’m going through, which made hearing that my sister-in-law got pregnant without trying easier – they understood how hard it was for me to hear. I’m starting my first round of clomid as we speak. Best of luck to you!

  6. glad to hear that you told your family! it is hard and relieving at the same time. you will be happy to have them for support when the positives come in (and hopefully, not needing it for negatives!)!
    we are on very close cyles this month too, i’m on day 1 of 100mg clomid. round 4 for me, second on 100mg.
    i’m praying that this is it for us. we actually had a bfp last week and blood work confirmed that we were pregnant! numbers were low though, so they wanted me to come in on monday to check that levels were rising as they should. i got my period/lost it on sunday and blood work monday confirmed it. so a a tough few days, but some good news to look at too:
    1. that it was not an ectopic pregnancy
    2. it was lost early enough in the cycle that we can start again right away
    4. clomid round 4 starts today

    can’t wait to hear how this month goes for you. sounds like many of us will be sharing the same 2ww. can’t wait for the bfp’s that we’ll all get!!!

  7. I have my fingers crossed for you!

  8. Glad you have the support of your family, it makes such a big difference that they know what you’re going through and can be there for you.

    Good luck with round 2 of clomid! I hope this is it for u!

  9. Hi Kate, Im sure you feel alot better that your family knows. Is hard to keep it a secret because sometimes you just want somebody other than your husband ( which mine is amazing) like your mom and sister to cry and laugh with about this crazy roller coaster. As for now you are my imaginary friend that I can talk to about this =). We did the clomid, the shot, got a positive ovulations test saturday , sunday and monday…so we were super happy and now Im just talking the progesterone suppository twice a day. We go to the doctor Nov 9th and I just can’t!!!!!! I hope we get good news. I said I was not going to be attached about this whole baby thing but now I am and it is very scary. Oh another thing that has me going crazy is that they told me that I can’t run or do anything crazy just walk. So I really hope we get a positive test. Good luck starting your new cicle you guys are going to do great!

  10. I’m thinking about you and Benjamin. You two make an awesome team and there isn’t anything you can’t do together. Good luck!!!

  11. Zuly, YAY! SO EXCITING! Congrats on the positive OPK’s and all the good signs. I think anyone who says they don’t really care if they are pregnant this cycle is full of it. Of COURSE you’re going to get attached and excited — this is a little life you’re talking about. Not to mention your future. So I say, get excited! Can’t wait to hear how everything goes. My fingers are crossed for you and November 9th!

    Al, Thank you! Yes, it was such a wonderful weekend to be able to just talk about it. I didn’t even realize I’d been holding it all in until then.

    Kara, Thanks!

    kwally, I’m sorry to hear how things went for you last month. You are absolutely right, though, to concentrate on those three positive things. Those are HUGE steps in the right direction! Now you know that you CAN get pregnant, and it’s just a matter of time before it sticks. Congratulations to you! Hopefully this month is it for both of us 🙂

    Lynn, That’s so nice that your family was able to be there for you when you found out about your SIL. It IS tough to hear, but much tougher if you have to hide your feelings. Good luck with the Clomid!

    Low Fat Lady, Cycle sisters again! Fun. I’m glad to hear that you had less side effects with 100mg. Perhaps I won’t feel any different at all! That would be nice. Keep me posted this cycle…

    Lizard Runs, Oooh I hope you get your positive OPK soon! It didn’t happen for me until CD14 or 15 I think. When I had *almost* given up hope that it was going to happen that cycle. Although, I guess for me it didn’t really happen despite the positive OPK, but it certainly was a big step in the right direction. Good luck to you!

    Courtney F, Hi hi hi! I definitely missed you too. I felt so disconnected not being able to check-in on everyone while I was away! Although, I will admit, a weekend without the computer was a welcome respite. Another cycle sister! How fun. Maybe we’ll both get preggo this cycle! I’m glad to hear you haven’t had any bad side effects with the 100mg; being asleep sooner doesn’t sound so bad 🙂 I’m happy to be home! Keep me posted on how things are progressing.

    iamstacey, Ha! Thanks. We’re dorks, we know. I hope 100mg is the magic number too! Not too long until we find out… two more days!

  12. Hi Kate,
    I think it’s great that you opened up to your family. I find myself doing the same thing though when talking to my family, just stating the facts and showing everyone that while it’s not the best situation, it is what it is and we will do whatever it takes to have a baby. Of course though, inside, it is not as easy and it is very emotional. My husband and I want to have a baby so badly it hurts. But it hasn’t been easy for us and it’s not going to be easy. So we have to keep our heads up and just envelop each other with love and be there for each other.

    As for the clomid, that is so exciting that you are starting your second round! Are you being monitored as well? Don’t worry about the 100mg. On our most recent round of Clomid, I was taking 150mg, 3 pills a day! And honestly, I felt fine. A little cramping here and there, but nothing terrible. We were monitored on day 10, 12 and 13…on day 13 we were finally given the ok to administer our first HCG trigger shot and yesterday, drum roll, we tried our 1st and hopefully only IUI. All day I found myself not wanting to move an inch or do anything that might thwart those little guys from finding our eggs. I am terrified of it not working but all we can do now is wait. Saturday I take some bloodwork to check my progesterone level and in two weeks, I take blood to see if we are actually pregnant. We can’t wait! These next two weeks are going to be awful. Just wondering if our love for each other, with some medical intervention, helped us create the most beautiful miracle.

    I’m so excited for you to start this cycle! I wish you all the best! 🙂

  13. Best of luck to you!

  14. So glad you had a nice visit home with the family. I agree – there’s something about being with close sisters and a mom that is therapeutic. And I’ve got my fingers and legs crossed that this round of Clomid will do the trick!

  15. i know you don’t know me, but mine and my husband’s story is pretty much identical to yours. even the timing and doses of meds you’re taking! i just finished my second round of clomid 100mg a few days ago. keep trying and don’t loose hope! it is going to happen for us! oh and i didn’t have any adverse side effects w/ the clomid either good luck!

  16. You are such a strong and positive person. I think it is normal to have a few tears wanting to sneak out amidst the emotions that you must feel. For me it is the unknown that is hardest and I have not even been trying long so when I read your posts I think if she can keep her head up so can I. Keeping great thoughts for you to ovulate this time and then get the best result in the end!

  17. I just got my official PCOS diagnosis today. I knew it was coming, but it still stings when you hear the doctor say it. I am not doing Clomid just yet, I do get to gain weight, work out 30 minutes EVERY day, change my diet, and continue taking Metformin. My FSH/LH ratio were the only things off and I don’t have a string of pearls on my ovaries (I only have 6 pearls…far from a string?). I am keeping an eye on your journey though. Maybe I need to start a blog 🙂

  18. Hi Kate and Benjamin,
    My name is Kristen. I am not sure how I stumbled across your blog, but it’s great. I am very sorry you are having problems conceiving. It’s such a rollercoaster. We have been on the boat for 26 months with one miscarriage. We have a 3 year old daughter who was conceived by blinking or something. I have PCOS. Good news is I did 100 MG of Clomid this month and I had two eggs ready, so I got the trigger shot. This is the first time I’ve ovulated in 6 months! I’m in the dreaded two week wait.
    I had my Thyroid removed in June due it being Hyper. Have you had yours tested?I think this may have caused my miscarriage. Sorry for the long post! Sending lots of baby dust your way!
    Keep postive!

  19. Erin, Thanks 🙂 Still hoping for that cute belly at your wedding…

    Michelle, How exciting for you! That cycle certainly sounds promising! I can’t wait to hear how everything turns out. I know exactly how you feel — just make it through the next two weeks. Maybe that trigger is just what you needed!

    Whit, Thank you! Hopefully this cycle is THE ONE.

    Tabitha, It certainly is. I need all of those lovely ladies in my life. And thanks for all of the crossing you’re doing — although I imagine it’s not quite so comfortable in your current state 🙂

    meg, Good luck this cycle! I hope this is it for both of us. It just might be!

    MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt, Thank you! That is such a nice compliment. You CAN keep you head up — keep your eye on the prize! Once you have a squirming little baby in your arms, I imagine you’ll forget all the drama it took to get him/her to that very moment. At least I hope that’s the way it happens 🙂

    Cate, I’m sorry about your official diagnosis. Although it sounds scary to have a “syndrome”, I found that it was comforting to know exactly what was causing my anovulation. Once I could put a name on it, I could also take the right steps to fix it… so you’re on the right track for sure! Gaining weight doesn’t sound so bad either (ha!), although I know from experience that is a tough thing to allow yourself to do. Good luck getting yourself in prime babymaking mode. Try to enjoy these little changes!

    Kristen, Hi! I know that rollercoaster well. You are so fortunate to have your little one already — hopefully she can be a big sister soon. Two good follicles and a trigger shot sounds great! GOOD LUCK to you this cycle! My doc did thyroid testing several months ago and everything looked normal; but that’s interesting that yours was removed to fight another miscarriage. The body is a crazy thing sometimes.

  20. I realize this comment is 3 years too late but today has been a really hard day full of lots of pregnancy announcements and the hope that I would be pregnant by this time. I find going back to your older posts really helps me. Your feelings are very similar to my own and your outcome gives me so much hope. Merry Christmas!

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