She Says… 3 Months

My little peanut,

You are 3 months old! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it is amazing how much changes in one month. It seems like all of a sudden you are able to hold your head up all the time and you can sit propped up on pillows or in your Bumbo chair. Your adorable and emotive facial expressions have gotten much more purposeful and I could just stare at your beautiful little face all day long waiting to see what you’ll do next.

You smile and laugh and coo all the time now. My favorite part of the day is trying to figure out what noise or movement or face will make you squeal with joy, and your tiny little laugh is already contagious. You and I just sit and laugh on the couch together. You are such a joy. It’s hard to even put it into words.

I made a big decision on your three month birthday. I decided to stop breastfeeding. In last month’s letter I said that I hoped we could overcome our breastfeeding issues by the 3 month mark, but unfortunately things only got worse. The last few weeks nursing has been such a struggle that you’ve barely eaten anything. When I found out that you barely gained any weight in the last 3 weeks, I decided it was best for both of us if we switched to bottles. It was a heartbreaking decision to make, little one, because I cherished that special bond that you and I had. Even though nursing you was never as peaceful and beautiful as I’d hoped, there was something so special about being the only person in the world who could provide for you. I’m still doing my very best to give you all breastmilk, so I guess I’m still that person, but it does make me a little sad to know that anyone can feed you now.

I guess it’s my first lesson in letting you go; you can’t be all mine forever! In a few short months you’ll start daycare, and I’ll have to let you go. Then you’ll grow up a little more and start school, and I’ll have to let you go. You’ll get your driver’s license and I’ll have to let you go. You’ll fall in love and I’ll have to let you go. You’ll go away to college and I’ll have to let you go. The letting go part never ends, I imagine. I just hope you’ll always come back to me after I give you the freedom to go.

For now, though, you’re pretty much all mine and Daddy’s! We could not ask for anything more. You are the best. You’re funny and happy. Opinionated yet easygoing. Predictable yet full of surprises. Even when you wake up an extra time at night (you had been getting up only once, but now you’re switching back and forth between getting up once or twice) or won’t go down for a nap, I cherish every minute we get to hang out.

I love you, little guy. You’re my favorite person to spend every day with (oh, and Daddy too…).

I love you a little bit more every minute.
Mama

 

She Says… The Decision

I finally made it. The decision to stop breastfeeding.

When Benjamin and I had trouble getting pregnant, I remember dreaming of the day when I would get to hold my little baby and gaze into his/her eyes while we nursed. The idea of breastfeeding was the quintessential “mom moment” that I longed for. I knew that it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine, since I watched my sister struggle with breastfeeding her daughter, but I still idolized the idea. Which is a big part of the reason that it was so hard for me to give up, even when it wasn’t working for Owen and I.

Another reason, which is harder to put into words without sounding annoyingly snide, is that I’m not used to not being good at things. I am an overachiever who has almost always been able to ace any test with a little studying. Perseverance always pays off. Right? And so, as with our struggle with infertility, when I came up against breastfeeding issues, I studied. I researched and saw doctors and lactation consultants and discussed with friends. I took classes and watched videos and read articles. I took supplements and medicine and tried different positions and eliminating foods. I can honestly say at this point that I tried everything.

After 13 weeks of struggling, I’m finally ready to acknowledge that there are forces at work here that are beyond my control. A tongue tie. Reflux. Possible allergies. Perhaps it’s the first of many life lessons that having a baby will teach me — it’s not only about me anymore. I finally realized that I was pushing breastfeeding for the wrong reasons. Owen was uncomfortable and in pain and I was beginning to dread feeding time. The number one rule of caring for a newborn is FEED THE BABY. And I was so wrapped up in figuring out what was wrong and trying to fix it that I was neglecting to follow that very important rule.

And so, we’re done breastfeeding. But I’m not giving up yet. My goal was to breastfeed Owen until he is at least 6 months old (ok, my original goal was to breastfeed him for the 1st year, but that quickly changed as the reality of how difficult breastfeeding was set in). And even though the breast part of breastfeeding isn’t working out, I can still give him that liquid gold. My new, amended goal is to exclusively pump for him as long as I can keep up with his intake.

This has been an excruciating decision to make. A part of me feels like I’m giving up. Like I wasn’t strong enough to stick it out until I could figure out our issues. Part of me mourns the loss of the image of motherhood that I’ll never get to have; the sweet, quiet bond of a mother feeding her baby. Part of me feels like my body failed me in something it was made to do. But another part of me feels an enormous and overwhelming sense of relief. Over the last few weeks I felt myself becoming depressed by how difficult nursing was. I was constantly worrying about how much Owen was eating and why he was so unhappy. I stressed about feeding him in public because it was such a struggle. Diagnosing our issues had become a full-time job, and I could barely talk or think about anything else.

And now? Now my boobs are not in pain, I’m learning to work with my breast pump and Owen’s knocking back the bottles like a champ. He’ll be packing on the pounds in no time. He still has some reflux and gas issues, but I no longer feel those challenges in such an intensely personal way. He’s ok. I’m ok. We’re all ok.

So no more depressing posts about things that are wrong with Owen and/or my nipples. Onwards and upwards!

She Says… Cat Got Your Tongue?

My life recently seems to be one long string of doctor’s appointments. Although I prefer to stay doctor-free, we’re figuring out all kinds of things about Owen’s eating issues and I am so happy to be able to put my finger on what’s causing him (and me) so much distress. Yesterday we met with Nancy, the lactation consultant we’ve been working with via email for the last few weeks since I she taught the Pump Talk class I attended. For the first time in 12 weeks, I finally felt like someone knew what they were talking about! Let me tell you, all lactation consultants (and pediatricians, etc.) are NOT created equal. Nancy is incredible and knew so much more about Owen and I than any other medical professional I have ever seen.

Almost immediately she diagnosed something about Owen that everyone else overlooked. Apparently he has a partial tongue tie. A tongue tie (also known as ‘Ankyloglossia’ or ‘anchored tongue’) is a structural abnormality where the frenulum (the little stringy thing that attaches the tongue to the bottom of the mouth) is either too short or too tight. In some babies, the frenulum attaches right to the end of the tongue, so they essentially don’t have a tip of the tongue and can’t stick their tongues out beyond their gums. Owen’s is only a partial tongue tie, meaning that he has a short frenulum. Once she pointed it out it seemed to obvious — he even has a little heart shaped tip of the tongue because the frenulum is pulling on the tongue when he extends it. It kind of looks like this.

Apparently this is a fairly common thing in newborns, and doctors often snip the frenulum in the nursery in the hospital in the first few days of life. Perhaps no one noticed Owen’s, or perhaps it wasn’t a big enough deal to snip, I’m not sure. Nancy says that he has enough tongue mobility that it most likely does not warrant snipping at this point, but if it had been done, I probably could have avoided some of our breastfeeding issues! It accounts for a lot of the breast/nipple pain I’ve been experiencing since it can interfere with latching and sucking.

Also, it’s genetic. Nancy looked in my mouth and said I didn’t have it, but I checked out Benjamin’s mouth last night and he has a TOTALLY strange frenulum. In fact, he almost has NO frenulum, so I’m wondering if it was snipped when he was an infant because it was like Owen’s (or worse). Strange! Never noticed that before. If this issue is bad enough it can interfere with other things later in life like speech, swallowing solid foods, tooth/jaw development and french kissing. I’m going to ask our pediatrician to evaluate it at our next appointment and see if Owen should go see a specialist. More doctors!

I’m beginning to realize just how much the deck is stacked against us in terms of breastfeeding. I’m either very strong to have powered through all of these issues, or very stupid. Either way, the light at the end of the tunnel is fast approaching.

Anyone out there ever dealt with a tongue tie?

She Says… The Littlest Peanut

On Tuesday I started a new Mommy Group. It’s sort of like the next generation of the group I did for the last 6 weeks. It’s a little different in that it’s more for the babies than the moms… there is circle time with singing and book reading and playtime with a parachute. Then we let the babies nap and fuss and coo while we talk mom-talk. Pretty awesome.

Owen is one of the younger babies in the group, and BY FAR the tiniest. My little peanut looks even LITTLER in this group of chunkers. There is another baby named Owen who was born on the exact same day as my Owen (what are the odds?!) and he weighs like 15lbs. My Owen weighs in around 11. Even his head seems smaller… he’s just a teeny tiny little guy. (Just for the record, he still out performs everyone at tummy time!). Given how small he seemed, I popped him on the scale just to see what he weighed. To my surprise he weighed THE EXACT SAME THING AS THE PREVIOUS WEEK. Ummm, what?! Aren’t babies supposed to gain 1/2 – 1 ounce per day?! I know we have been struggling with breastfeeding, but I had no idea he was not gaining weight.

So on the way home I stopped at the pediatrician’s office to verify his weight (since their scale is more accurate and I have a recorded weight from my 2 month appointment, which was October 1st). He weighed 10lbs 15oz. That is only 4.5oz more than he did 19 days ago. Yikes. I made an appointment immediately to see the doctor and went home very nervous about my little peanut’s development. As it turns out, a baby’s weight can fluctuate by 6-8oz depending on a full/empty tummy and full/empty bladder, so although the number seemed scary small, it was maybe just a result of when I last fed him.

I saw the pediatrician yesterday and when the nurse weighed him before his appointment, he tipped the scale at 11lbs 3.5oz. A little better (out of the “oh my goodness my baby is starving” zone). The pediatrician seemed to think that since his overall trend was gaining (albeit a little less than they like to see), she thinks he’s doing just fine and will bounce back quickly once we get his eating issues under control. Once I discussed our issues with her and let her know that the Mylanta seems to be the one thing that has made a visible improvement in him, she diagnosed reflux and prescribed baby Zantac. She said the tricky thing about diagnosing Owen was that he wasn’t spitting up (the classic symptom of reflux) and was a generally happy baby. But he has all of the other symptoms, and if Mylanta is helping, that’s most likely the issue. I had prepared myself for her to say that I needed to be supplementing with formula at this point, given his slow weight gain, but she didn’t. She said that we’re likely through the worst of this (HURRAY!) and that we should just nurse, nurse, nurse as much as possible once he gets comfortable.

I AM SO RELIEVED AND HAPPY.

We started Zantac last night, and I’m hoping to see Mylanta-esque calmness during today’s feedings. So far the morning one went great. Poor little goober had stomach acid crawling back up his throat — it’s not a wonder he didn’t want to eat! I’m sure I have a bit more Googling to do on other things I can do to help him (I’ve read that sleeping flat is particularly uncomfortable for babies with reflux, so maybe I will prop up his mattress).

Have you dealt with reflux? What have you done to help your baby deal?

She Says… The Saga Continues

The breastfeeding saga, that is. Owen and I have been undergoing intensive treatment for our thrush, trying to tackle it from every angle (internal, topical, holistic, prescription). However, we’re on day 10 (I think) and I’ve seen only slight improvement/change. This, apparently, is very rare. So rare, in fact, that another lactation consultant/friend/blog reader/teacher of the PumpTalk class I took a few weeks ago has suggested that – gasp! – maybe we don’t have thrush at all. Together we are exploring the possibility that my nipple issues/breast pain and Owen’s eating behaviors are caused by different issues.

Current theories we’re testing?

• My nipple blanching and pain, as well as the shooting lightning bolt pains, COULD be the result of vasospasm due to possible mild Reynaud’s.Essentially meaning that temperature change (from inside Owen’s mouth to the chilly air) is causing the blanching and sensitivity I’m experiencing, and may be treatable with warm compresses and ibuprofen. This is particularly interesting to me because I have Googled Reynaud’s before because I have issues with numb, white fingers and toes in cold weather. After reading the symptoms I do not think I have full blown Reynaud’s, but even a mild case still could be affecting my nipples and causing pain.
• Owen’s eating behaviors MAY be caused by a cow’s milk protein intolerance. A little Googling helped me learn that MSPI (milk soy protein interolerance) is the inability to digest the proteins in milk and soy. It occurs in 2% – 7% of infants, and most grow out of the issue by 1 year. It is not indicative of other food allergies, and has nothing to do with lactose intolerance. The treatment, obviously, is to remove all milk and soy proteins from the little guy’s diet, which, since I’m exclusively breastfeeding, means eliminating them entirely from my diet. Apparently 10 -14 days of total removal will give you the information you need to diagnose this issue. Some people even see dramatic results after 3 – 4 days. A friend of mine also said you can bring a stool sample to the pediatrician and they can check for blood, which also makes the diagnosis, but I’m going to try the elimination diet first.

I am both excited and terrified to do the dairy removal test. I would be over the moon to finally figure out what’s going on with poor little Owen’s upset stomach. He’s clearly in distress when he eats, and he’s such a little peanut already, he doesn’t have much room for low weight gain at this point. Not to mention the fact that it’s very wearing on me to feel frustrated and in pain after every feeding, and to constantly be wondering if he’s getting enough to eat. It’s scary, though, because I’m not sure I could successfully swear off every product/food with cow’s milk proteins (that’s not only milk, cheese, butter and yogurt, but also every processed food with milk traces in it, which is a LOT of things) forever. I am HAPPY to do it for 10 – 14 days, and probably even a few months, but learning about this food intolerance would force me to think seriously about switching to formula, and I feel like I’ve worked so hard to make breastfeeding work. Anyway, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

In the meantime, we’re finishing up our thrush treatments just to cover all of our bases. For the next three days we’re doing the only treatment I have avoided until now… Gentian Violet, which is a powerful topical antifungal (NOT an herbal remedy, as I previously thought) that is BRIGHT PURPLE and turns everything it touches bright purple. Including my nipples. And my baby’s mouth.

Waaaaaah! Scary baby. I just have to keep telling myself it’s only three days!!!

She Says… Lessons from Mommy Group: Part 5

I can’t believe it’s been 6 weeks since I started my Mommy Group. It seems like just last week we had our first class in which almost everyone teared up as they talked about the struggles they were facing. And the babies were so tiny. Yesterday we had our last class and were all in awe of how far we’ve come in 6 weeks.

Learning to be a mother is an incredibly steep learning curve.

Things happen so fast that they seem to go by in an instant, yet every single minute of every day (and night) you are learning more about your baby. It’s the epitome of total immersion. I’ll never be able to write down all of the things that I’ve learned, both about Owen and about myself, but I do know that so many things make sense today that made no sense just a few short weeks ago, and so many things seem possible today that I couldn’t have dreamed of back then.

The most important transformation in myself that I’ve seen (and I continue to see, every day) is how Owen has stretched me to break out of my rules and my schedules and my routines. He has forced me to be more spontaneous, and to realize that everything doesn’t have to be perfect for it to be right or fun. Every day I feel a little better about getting out of the house (even if it’s naptime!) and trying something new with him. I have gotten to know him so intimately that I can almost always anticipate what he needs. That’s love. And I love it.

So I signed up for the next class. This group has been one of the best things I’ve done for Owen and I, and I couldn’t resist another 6 weeks. And hey, it can’t hurt to make a few more mom friends, right? Oh how my attitude has changed since this post! Apparently I love chatting about my baby over lunch

She Says… Owen’s First Trip to the Mountains

We had a wonderful weekend away. Owen did great on the 4 1/2 hour car rides there and back (even took a bottle in his carseat while driving!). He stuck to his regular sleeping schedule at night, too, which was a huge relief to the tired Mama!

He barely cried or fussed all weekend since there was always someone there to hold him or entertain him.

He got to taste the crisp mountain air on his first hike.

And Benjamin and I went on OUR FIRST DATE since Owen was born. Long-awaited. It felt wonderful, and it was surprisingly easy for me to switch off the mom brain and return to normal conversation. We did NOT spend our evening saying things like, “I wonder what Owen’s doing right now”, although we did come home a little earlier than we planned because my boobs were going to explode since I missed a nursing session while Owen had a bottle. Not so romantic. Nonetheless, it was pretty fun to put on some new (read: non-maternity) clothes and have a glass of wine with my honey.

Our thrush is going away, just very slowly. My symptoms are resolving quicker than Owen’s, but I have seen an improvement in his eating in the last day or so. So fingers are crossed that we’re through the worst of it!

She Says… Treatment

Thrush has taken over my life, and my countertop. I am now on a complicated regimen of prescribed meds and herbal supplements, along with my normal vitamins and fish oil that I take regularly.

For those who care about the thrush treatment, I am doing a full course of Diflucan (Fluconazole), which is 2 pills on the first day and one every subsequent day for 7 days. I’m also using a vinegar and water rinse on my nipples after every feeding, and then letting them air dry and putting on Nystatin cream. Whenever possible I allow them to be uncovered and in the open air (hello, neighbors!). I’m also taking grapefruit seed extract in pill form 3 times a day, as well as Acidophilus 3 times a day. I’m limiting dairy and sugar (which includes, sigh, WINE) and eating mostly veggies and whole grains (which I do anyway). Owen gets two squirts of liquid Nystatin in his mouth after each feeding, and I might try letting him suck some of the Acidophilus off of my finger once a day as well. I’m hoping a combo of Western meds and good old-fashioned herbal supps will kick this thing ASAP.

My other form of treatment for this awful thing? VACATION. Ok, so it just happened to fall on Columbus Day weekend, but nevertheless, Benjamin, Owen, Schnitzel and I are heading up north to New Hampshire for a little much-needed R & R. Can’t wait to introduce Owen to the White Mountains and the gorgeous foliage. Hopefully by Monday we’ll be happier and healthier.

She Says… The Silent Killer

Also known as So THAT’S Why He’s Like That.

I made a startling realization the other day. OWEN AND I HAVE THRUSH.

For once my excessive Googling helped me. Through a series of clicks, I identified an elusive issue that has plagued Owen and I for the last month. Thrush. That’s right, we’ve had it for a month without realizing it. For those of you lucky enough to not know what thrush is, it is a yeast infection on the nipples and/or the baby’s mouth. Although it sounds totally disgusting, it’s pretty common. Most everyone I’ve told since my diagnosis has said, “Oh, I had that” or “Oh, my sister had that”. Anyway, it presents itself in different ways in different situations, so the symptoms are kind of vague. That’s why I wrote them off for the last month, thinking they were caused by something else entirely.

Here were the symptoms:

• Red, itchy, irritated nipples. Since I had so much trouble breastfeeding, I figured that the redness and irritation was due to my sensitive boobs getting used to breastfeeding without nipple shields (I quit the shields cold turkey when Owen was 6 weeks old, and that’s when I think this all began). Now I realize that not everyone walks around feeling like their nipples are sharp knives that twist and turn whenever they touch a shirt, the air, the shower, whatever.
• Burning sensation during letdown/nursing. Again, I thought this was just something I had to get used to. When my milk let down when Owen was nursing, it felt like hot lava. It would go away after a minute or two, so I just practiced my deep breathing and told myself to suck it up so Owen could get the benefits of breastfeeding. Ummm, how nice to know it doesn’t have to feel like that!
• Lightning bolt pains in my boobs after nursing. When nursing was over, the pain was not. I’d often get shooting pains like aftershocks once Owen was finished. They almost felt like muscle pains or a deep throbbing deep inside. Apparently that’s not normal either.
• Nipple blanching/white patches. Sometimes after nursing or in the shower I would notice sections of my nipples would turn white, sort of like when you squeeze your fingers together and the skin turns white or the blood drains away. I would see that sometimes, but blame it on a bad latch or regular nipple compression.
• Owen’s white tongue. I Googled thrush several times prior to diagnosing it, and each time I would read that the baby usually gets these cottage cheese-like sores in their mouth. I examined Owen’s mouth and found nothing like that. I did see white stuff on his tongue, but it didn’t look anything like what I saw on the internet, so I wrote it off as leftover milk. This one is tricky, because many babies DO have leftover milk, so I kept saying to myself that what I saw was perfectly normal. However, I saw the pediatrician last Friday and I wish she had asked me a few questions or brought up the idea that his white tongue may be thrush. Clearly she should know the difference?!
• Owen’s increasing fussiness while eating. This is the kicker that actually led me to diagnose myself. We have always had a bit of trouble breastfeeding, but recently (like in the last 3 weeks or so), Owen’s fussiness while eating has increased. He will latch on (he’s a very good latcher), then suck for a few seconds, then pull off, yank his head back or sideways (still holding on to my nipple – ouch!), and kick his legs and scream. Nursing sessions involved a lot of holding him down like a crazy person and stuffing my nipples in his mouth.

Now I realize Owen has been in pain every time he ate for the last few weeks! It explains everything. I even read that babies with thrush are more gassy because of all the crying and squirming they do while eating (which is something I’ve been struggling with, but I just thought he was a gassy baby).

As soon as I put all of these symptoms together, I called the doctor. They saw me immediately, and after looking at my nipples for about 5 seconds they agreed that they were definitely thrushy. I could have done a little dance. While I am sad to have this awful infection, I am SO HAPPY AND RELIEVED to diagnose it and have a plan to fix it. Visions of happy nursing sessions and a calm baby have been swimming in my head since yesterday (when I saw the doc).

I am taking Fluconazole pills for a few days, as well as using Nystatin cream on my nipples after nursing a few times a day for the next 2 weeks. Owen gets a liquid version of Nystatin squirted in his mouth before eating for the next 10 – 14 days. I’m also going to eat a lot of yogurt (the live active cultures help regulate yeast) and minimize sugar (which feed the yeast) to help things along. I have heard of an herbal treatment for thrush using Gentian Violet, but I’ve also read horror stories of that stuff turning everything it touches (including the baby’s mouth) bright purple! I’m going to try the meds first and hope to get this yeast gone as fast as possible.

Wish us luck! Thrush SUCKS. But I am so ready to have my happy eater back.

She Says… Milk Bank

Yesterday I went to a class (at Isis… the same place I do my Mommy Group) on pumping. Although I’ve been pumping for awhile, and I’ve learned how to pump so I get my goal amount of milk each day, I still feel like I do not pump as much as others do, or as much as I should be able to.

Usually I shoot to put away one bottle of milk per day in the freezer. For awhile that was 3 oz, and recently I’ve upped it to 5 oz (since I’m working on spacing out his nursing times to 3 or 4 hours instead of 2 during the day, and we have a pretty good amount of frozen 3 oz bottles). We try to give Owen a bottle every other day, so slowly but surely this two-bottles-stored-one-bottle-used approach has built up a nice little freezer of relief bottles. Starting in January I’m going to need to supply all of the milk for Owen to have at daycare, so I figure I’d better get good at pumping now, and begin putting milk away for later.

Unfortunately for me, I seem to be a low producer. Or rather, not a low producer of milk in general (since Owen is gaining exactly the amount of weight he is supposed to), but a low producer when it comes to the pump. The pump and I just don’t jive! If I haven’t fed Owen in awhile (like when I pump at “my” bedtime, which is usually 2 hours after his bedtime), I can usually get about 2 – 2.5 oz from both sides combined. That’s 1/2 a bottle. If Owen has recently eaten (like when I pump right after feeding him), I usually get about 1.5 oz. That means I have to pump 2 – 3 times to make one bottle. Although January is still a few months away, I am nervous about not being able to pump enough milk each day to send with him to daycare the next day.

I learned a lot at the pump class. The 2 main things I’m trying already are bigger breast shields (my Pump In Style came with 24mm ones, but Nancy, the Pump Talk instructor, said that about 30% of women would do better with 27mm, so I picked up a set of those) and a hands free bustier pumping bra (hubba hubba!). Nancy also suggested that I try a version of power pumping, which is to double pump for 10 minutes after each nursing session with Owen throughout the day. Mostly that’s to increase milk supply and get my hormones going, but I tried it over the weekend and got the added bonus of a few ounces of milk, which made it easier to reach my daily goal.

Anyway, in class people were talking about how much milk they have on hand, or in the freezer, and I began to realize that I’ve been doing a great job putting milk away! So great, actually, that our freezer is a bit of a mess.

Exhibit A:

Ooops! I took the first step to total milk organization by using Lansinoh freezer bags to store my milk, but as they piled up, I never took the time to get them in a Tupperware or box to corral them. Hence our freezer overflowing with milk!

So, on this week’s To Do list is to organize that milk. I’ve heard you’re not supposed to store milk in the door or on the bottom shelf (since those places change temps the most)… so I’m looking for a solution that will fit on one of the upper shelves. Oh, and buying a chest freezer is probably not necessary for us, since it sounds like once Owen starts daycare, I should be sending him with fresh milk daily, and only dipping into my freezer storage once in awhile.

What do other people do for milk storage? Anyone found the perfect solution? Tupperware? Shoebox? Something else?