She Says… Powering Through

Last Thursday night was awful. There’s no other way to describe it. Just… awful.

Friday I took it easy. I stayed in bed as long as possible in the morning (and Owen cooperated by sleeping in later than ever before!). I took Benjamin up on his offer to make me breakfast (egg and avocado on toast), as I was starving but too weak and tired to make anything myself. I stayed on the couch for most of the day. I napped when Owen napped. I was still cramping and bleeding quite a bit and felt woozy most of the day, but was generally ok. Despite that long day, I barely slept at all.

Saturday I woke up and had to rally. I had planned to host not one but TWO parties. I had the option to cancel them, but I thought actually busying myself with the prep would help drag me out of “sitting on the couch all day” mode. Oh, and Benjamin promised to do all of the cleaning and work for both parties! I whipped out two quiches while Benjamin cleaned the house and a couple hours later we hosted 12 of my closest girlfriends and their husbands and kids. The hugs from them were worth the party prep. It’s so amazing to be surrounded by dear friends who know what you’re going through. When they left, we put Owen down for a nap and I went to work cooking and baking for the 2nd party, an outdoor movie party we planned with our neighbors. A few hours later I made it through that party and headed to bed. Despite that day, chock full of activity and friends and parties, insomnia struck again.

Sunday was more of the same. A friend stayed overnight and we spent the morning together. After Owen went to bed I headed out to dinner with a group of my mom group friends (remember my mom group from when Owen was tiny?). Sunday night I STILL couldn’t sleep. By Monday morning I headed to work dangling by a string. I was TIRED of insisting “the show must go on”. I was EXHAUSTED from not sleeping. I was NOT looking forward to running a week-long training event at work.

My usual method of coping with stress or sadness is to power through. I put on my brave face and I just… go. I push it out of my mind and charge ahead. Work through the pain. Sometimes working even harder because of the pain. Usually, this serves me well. In a sense I thrive on that kind of energy and it makes me feel strong. You know what they say, “Fake it ’till you make it”. The more I pretend I’m ok, I really become ok.

But you know what?

I’m not sure it’s the best way to get through this particular struggle.

I smiled through dinner with friends while they discussed their new babies and baby bumps about to pop. I gave a brave nod, held back the tears and told everyone I was doing ok when they asked me how I was doing. I cooked when I should have been napping. I told my manager I could handle this training week and would be ok. Go go go. Though all of that activity certainly took my mind off of the miscarriage and my own sadness, it has bubbled to the surface at unexpected times. I know it’s still there and I haven’t given myself the time to heal yet. Physically AND emotionally.

I find myself crying when I don’t even mean to. A simple “how are you?” from a random person and I feel my eyes welling up. In the shower in the morning, for no apparent reason. When I can’t sleep. For most of the day, I’m rushing around from one activity to the next, and then all of a sudden I will feel the tears come over me and I have to sit down. I know it’s the hormones. The same thing happened after I gave birth to Owen. It’s the hormone crash. I remember how it felt then and it feels the same now.

In addition to the random tears, I’m also still bleeding. Bleeding and passing shockingly large clots. Apparently when I said “it’s over“, I had no idea what I was talking about. It’s not over. My body is still cramping and working hard to expel that tissue. Even though the actual pregnancy tissue may have come out on Thursday, apparently there are other things that need to come out still, and in my case they are coming out in masses that I have to experience passing along with uncomfortable cramps. Not so fun to be going through while I’m trying to put my happy face on and run a corporate event single-handedly this week.

I’ve called the doctor twice about the bleeding. She seems slightly concerned with the size of the clots, but said that the bleeding sounds “moderate” and not “heavy” and should taper off soon. If it doesn’t taper by Thursday, I have to go back in for an ultrasound and possibly a D&E procedure to make sure everything is out. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I am physically incapable of LAYING DOWN and TAKING IT EASY, especially over the last few days. It also doesn’t help that I have to run this event this week for work, which means early mornings, late nights and a lot of running around in between. But who knows if getting off my feet would help, really.

All I know is that I am terrified of having a D&E at this point, after all that I’ve already been through. Enough is enough. So think some happy thoughts for me over the next few days, please!

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15 responses to “She Says… Powering Through

  1. Geez lady, you need to give yourself a break! You’re allowed to lay on the couch for days, in fact that may be what your body wants (despite what your mind is saying). I know keeping busy helps mentally, but it’s obviously not what you need physically. Maybe get the physical part taken care of and THEN over-schedule yourself to your heart’s delight, ok? :)

  2. Oh Kate … I’ve been thinking lots about you … and will continue to do so. Good thoughts headed your way for no D&E.

  3. You have to take it easy girl. Try and find some time to put your feet up – you deserve it with everything you’ve been through.

    I ended up with a D&C and I hosted a dinner party the day after. It’s so strange the ways we choose to cope with sadness.

  4. Oh Kate many happy thoughts for you! Please try to take it easy and give your body and mind some time to heal.

  5. I’m so sorry and wish I could offer you more than words on a page . Better days are ahead, but this ones really suck. Hugs.

  6. Crossing my fingers so you don’t need a D&E! Take care of yourself, a little ;)

  7. I wonder if the insomnia is hormonal. I was exhausted when I was pregnant. The first few nights post-D&C I did not sleep.a.wink. Like staying up until 3am reading and then tossing and turning the rest of the night. I found it improved after about 10 days.
    I cried a lot as well, although I do think being busy and having distractions is a good thing. Just give your self some downtime and alone time if you need to have a good cry.
    I bled and passed a big clot about 10 days after my D&C and then nothing since then. I really hope your body continues to do it’s job and get everything out. Honestly, I doubt you will need a D&C since it sounds like things are moving on their own. Are they testing your hcg levels?
    Thinking of you often!! xx

  8. Sweetheart you are TIRED and need some time. If I was your boss I would be packing you off home no arguments. I completely understand your need to power through, I get it, I did/still do it. Within 1 month I had a burst appendix, ectopic (devastating) and my adorable 15 yr old cat died. Too much, way too much. I couldn’t sleep and tried to pretend to all that all was ok….it wasn’t. Please please please take a few days to get some rest and and to have a proper
    cry. Its ok to surrender sometimes. Sometimes it has to be about ‘you’…..trust me. Big hugs xxxx

  9. Awww Kate, there’s no amount of powering through that can combat hormones. I can only imagine how amplified and raw they make everything feel. I’m so so sorry you have to go through this. I sincerely hope that you don’t have to also go through the procedure and I will be thinking of you often. You are entitled to, (and dare I say maybe obligated?) to take it easier now that you are now more painfully aware of what the aftermath is like. Is there anyone else at your work that can handle the event this week? Sweetie, you need time to ride this out :-(

  10. Oh goodness my heart is just breaking for you. I took the opposite route – I layed on the couch for a week straight. My miscarriage started on Friday night and other than to shower or go to the bathroom and a day-long adventure to the ER on Sunday when the pain was too much, I didn’t move at all (speaking of which, I know I am one of the ones that said the physical pain is no worse than a period and it truly wasn’t until you said something that it all came flooding back – I was on painkillers for a week…but until you said that, I would’ve sworn up and down the physical pain wasn’t all that bad). The next Saturday was the beginning of my spring break (I’m a teacher) and I went to Florida with my family. I drank a LOT of beer (which in and of itself is not normal for me) and every single time I opened one it would hit me again and I’d start bawling. It was only because of my amazing family support that I made it through. I absolutely can NOT even BEGIN to describe the awe I feel for you powering through everything. If there was one thing I wish more than anything in the world, it’s that people could literally take a friend’s pain away to help them for a little bit, because i swear i would do it for any woman going through the loss of a baby.

    Please please please take some time for yourself. More than anything, I really believe women have to have some “downtime” to process everything. Not to mention the hormones.

    And btw – I ended up taking a sleeping pill for a few weeks because of the insomnia. Don’t know if that’s an option for you, but it helped me a lot to be able to finally lay down and go to sleep!

  11. This is not something that you can just put a brave and happy face and expect to move on. It’s not. No matter how much people tell you it’s okay, it’s not okay. It took me months to get over my 4th chemical pregnancy. It was only chemical. Take your own time. Don’t give yourself a benchmark. Our hormones go crazy at this point. If you want to cry, just cry. Let it out. Don’t keep it bottled inside. I wish you all the strength that you need right this moment. *hugs*

  12. Is there any way your doc can prescribe a sleeping pill like ambien to help you get through this week? I agree with what the other commenters said about you needing to take a break, but I also understand the need to power through, and “life must go on”, and it is super hard to do that if you are not sleeping. Regardless, just remember that each day will get a little bit easier, and you will get through this. You are blessed with a beautiful family right now, just cherish that.

  13. Just caught up on your posts. Hope u r feeling a wee bit better or on the road to that way. Thinking about you guys.

  14. I’m worried about you ánd about Benjamin. <3

  15. Just a note to say that I’m thinking of you all. Take some time for yourself and relax.

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