She Says… Pregnancy #2 Journal: Part 3

If you haven’t read Sunday’s post, please do so before reading this one. This week’s blog posts will be back-dated journal entries of what I experienced over the last 11 weeks regarding a pregnancy that will end in miscarriage. Part 1 is here and Part 2 is here.

June 27th, 2012

Benjamin is traveling (again!), but I didn’t want to wait too long before my next ultrasound, so I went this morning by myself. I’ve been feeling sick and exhausted enough that I’m sure I’m still pregnant, but right before the appointment I also became acutely aware of that “something doesn’t feel right” feeling I’ve had since the very beginning. I started to get really nervous about what I was going to see… or, more importantly, what I wasn’t.

During the ultrasound the tech asked again about how far along I was. Again. Shouldn’t she know this? Isn’t it on my chart? It was the same tech as last week, so I think she actually knew more than she let on. Despite the fact that I am 9.5 weeks counting from the last day of my last period, and should be about 7.5 weeks judging by the last ultrasound, she said I was measuring at only 6 weeks today. 6 weeks. That’s like turning the clock back… again. She saw a heartbeat at 97 bpm. If I was really 7.5 weeks along, that number would be dangerously low. At the new guess of 6 weeks, that’s within normal, but not stellar.

Maybe I should have been happier about seeing the heartbeat. After all, I had been waiting for that moment. But I wasn’t. It was totally overshadowed by the slow growth and “young” size.

I didn’t even have Benjamin’s hand to squeeze. I just laid there. Staring at the ceiling. Yoga breathing. Trying to silence the screaming in my head.

What does that mean? How could I only be 6 weeks along at this point? Why isn’t the baby growing properly? I honestly felt like when we saw a heartbeat today, that would finally be the point that I could let out the breath I’d been holding and get 100% excited about having a baby in February. On my 30th birthday, no less. But what I realized was that the heartbeat wasn’t my ticket out of this doubt. It was yet another dribble of information leaving me completely numb. And confused. Even more confused than before.

The tech didn’t want to go into too much detail, and I knew it wasn’t her job to answer lots of questions or give me medical advice, so I held my tongue until the nurse could see me. Unfortunately I wasn’t scheduled to see a nurse (I had scheduled an appointment tomorrow with a certain midwife who I am hoping to work with). So I had to wait and wait and wait in the waiting room for AN HOUR while they found me a nurse who had time for a surprise appointment. I texted Benjamin furiously in the waiting room to pass the time. I ended up getting the same nurse who I have spoken with on the phone since the beginning of this whole saga (way back when I was calling to say, “My period’s late but my tests are negative… what do I do?”). She was refreshingly point-blank about the reality of the situation.

“Look”, she said. “It’s concerning that you’re measuring small, if you really are farther along. But the fact is that what we are measuring is SO small, that everything could be fine and dandy, just 6 weeks along at this point. And we did see a heartbeat, which is good. On the other hand, this slow growth could mean that this pregnancy is headed for miscarriage. We really just don’t know at this point. I would say you have a 50/50 chance of this pregnancy working out. We want you to come back next week for another check. I’m sorry I don’t have better news.”

As soon as I opened my mouth to ask a few questions, the tears started flowing. Hello, old friends. I remember these tears. The ones that come when what I really want to be saying is, “What the hell? Why can’t I make a baby like a normal person? Why does it always have to be so fucking complicated? How is this so easy for so many other people? What is wrong with ME?”.

As soon as I saw that beautiful plus sign with Owen almost 2 years ago, I essentially closed the door on my struggle with infertility. I haven’t ever forgotten what I went through to make him and I certainly didn’t stop thinking of the other women I knew who were still struggling, but getting pregnant with Owen was such a joy, from the very beginning, that it pulled me right out of that downward spiral of struggle and defeat and stress and frustration. I chose to concentrate on the present and the baby growing inside me, and not to wallow in the past. I moved on. I cut ties. I erased those months from my memory. But today’s appointment brought me right back there. To my old familiar place. At the mercy of my body, probability, and a whole lot of chance.

So the wait begins. Again. In 8 days we will have another look. Maybe THAT will be the moment that I breathe out and scream “I’m PREGNANT” from the rooftops. Or maybe it will be the day that we realize that this baby isn’t meant to be in this world. And there’s not a damn thing I can do now to change that outcome between now and then.


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11 responses to “She Says… Pregnancy #2 Journal: Part 3

  1. Hanging on to your every word.

    Glad you have this space to write this all down. It’s an important thing to write out (your feelings and emotions) and I’m glad you have people here that are reading and commenting and sending their good thoughts to you…

  2. My heart is breaking more and more. I’m so sorry Kate. Thank you for sharing this because in all honesty, anyone who hasn’t experienced this truly has no idea and learning about this can not only help support others going through it, but help people support others who go through it too.

  3. Having to wait knowing you have 50/50 odds…that sounds so hard. :(

  4. {hugs} kate I’m so sorry you’re suffering. Be kind to yourself.
    Such a rollercoaster of a journey thus far. I hope you recieve good news.

  5. This sounds so terrible. I can’t even imagine how helpless you must have felt.

  6. Amanda Christopher

    hi kate- we don’t really know each other but follow each other on pinterest (i love the recipes you pin) so i am checking out your blog. i am so very sorry to hear about your loss. i have a 19month old daughter and just went through a miscarriage myself – found out i was pregnant around the same time as you. my body figured it out pretty quickly but it was nonetheless a horrible experience. thank you for taking the time to share your story – it will not only help you but will help others like me. we are now part of a circle of so so many women, most of whom don’t talk about it. my thoughts are with you!

  7. I’m so sorry you had to endure this rollercoaster of a pregnancy that just wasn’t meant to be. I think it has to be one of life’s cruelest experiences, to want something, to have something, and have it taken away. I am thinking of you often!

  8. I so know what you meant with cutting the ties. I also had a big struggle before our daughter was conceived. That plus sing totally overwhelmed us ánd the doctors. We were overjoyed and went from down under to cloud numer nine.
    And now, after her 4th birthday and so many months and years waiting we are back down under. But we know miracles happen.
    Is it so wrong to long for an other one?
    Lot’s of love, hugs and kisses and Gods embrace.

  9. I am sorry that you are having to go through these ups & downs. I can relate and am thinking of you.

  10. I’m not clear as to why people are talking about miscarriage when you are pregnant now. Positive thinking is so important in times like these. Concentrate on the possibility everything could be ok. I know it’s hard but hang in there. You and Benjamin are in my thoughts.

  11. Quote “What the hell? Why can’t I make a baby like a normal person? Why does it always have to be so fucking complicated? How is this so easy for so many other people? What is wrong with ME?”.

    This is EXACTLY how I feel. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us, no matter how bitter, you take the initiative to share.

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