She Says… Pregnancy #2 Journal: Part 2

If you haven’t read Sunday’s post, please do so before reading this one. This week’s blog posts will be back-dated journal entries of what I experienced over the last 11 weeks regarding a pregnancy that will end in miscarriage. Part 1 is here.

June 13th, 2012

Long, excruciating wait at the doctor’s office this morning. The nurse poked around for a long time before asking me, again, when my last period started. I told her, again, that it started almost 8 weeks ago, but that I am pretty sure the pregnancy dates are a bit different, given how long it took to get a positive pregnancy test.She poked around longer. And she stayed silent.

I closed my eyes and squeezed Benjamin’s hand. I imagined all of the scary things that could come out of her mouth.

Finally she said, “Well, as far as I can tell, everything looks great, but you’re just not as far along as we thought. You’re measuring at a healthy 5.5 weeks.”

While my instincts said, “RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Why are the dates so off from the date of my last period?!”, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and tried to let myself be excited. There is a baby in there. Seemingly healthy. She could see the gestational sac and yolk sac and a tiny flicker of a miniscule little heart beating. We discussed late ovulation and other factors that could have affected the dates, and she sent us on our merry way. Our bodies are amazing.

We didn’t get to see a heartbeat, given that the growth was only 5.5 weeks along, which continued the “everything is different this time around and it’s REALLY hard for me not to be nervous”. (Remember this from my first pregnancy? Yeah… it wasn’t like that at all)

Calendar be damned! Apparently there is a little life in there, just a little newer than we thought. Given Benjamin’s crazy work schedule the last few months, and the fact that it sounds like I ovulated WAY after I thought I was going to, it’s a wonder we ever even got pregnant at all this cycle. And that’s pretty special.

I Googled my dates, estimating that I am around 5.5 weeks along, and guess what? The due date is on my 30th birthday. February 9th, 2013. What a wonderful birthday present that would be.

June 19th, 2012

Well, I asked for it. I had been asking and asking to feel something relating to this pregnancy. Apparently the amazingly oversensitive sniffer and sore boobs were not enough. I wanted the real deal. Where was the exhaustion? The puking? The cravings and aversions?

Oh, here they are.

Today I felt like I needed to close my eyes from the moment I woke up. My body felt like the painful beginning to the flu… everything hurt. Even my hair. It was a dull, nagging pain, but I remembered it immediately. I wasn’t getting the flu, and it wasn’t contagious.

Throughout the day my stomach lurched a few times. Eww, a banana peel in the trash can caused me to take out the trash even though it was only half full. And even then I could still smell it. The thought of raw vegetables in the ‘fridge made me want to never open it again. Nothing tasted right. I was hungry, but not hungry at all.

Then I was getting ready to go to a meeting for the parent reps for Owen’s classroom at school. When Benjamin came home from work I just kept saying, “Ugh, I don’t feel good”. I was secretly kind of happy about it, because it was confirmation that someone was growing in there, but it was still kind of foreign and strange. And all of a sudden, in the middle of a sentence, I bolted to the bathroom.

As I sat there, overwhelmingly disgusted by the smell of pee in the toilet (it was clean… this was more a result of my super sense of smell than a comment on how clean the toilet was), I couldn’t move. I dry heaved for a few minutes and then felt ok. Off I went to my meeting, water bottle in hand (sipping water seems to keep the nausea away) and crackers in my purse (I remembered that trick from last time).

Nothing so dramatic has happened since then, but my stomach is doing some crazy things. Smells send me reeling (the broccoli I packed in Owen’s lunch this morning? GROSS) and I’m always worried that the “Ohmigod I’m going to puke RIGHT NOW” feeling is just around the corner. Like when I’m riding the train to work, especially.

People always say “symptoms are a good thing”, right? As much as I hate feeling so pukey, I’ll take it. Anything to know that things are going on in there.

 

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8 responses to “She Says… Pregnancy #2 Journal: Part 2

  1. I think it is very special that you’re sharing this. This is your second pregnancy, it happened, no matter what the outcome. Hugs!

  2. It’s painful to read this. I am so sorry Kate, and I wish you a healthy pregnancy next time.

  3. I am sad for you right now. :(

    But thank you for sharing this. I will be reading to the very end.

  4. Even just reading about dry heaving made me feel like I might need to go do some of that. I’m so suggestible.

    It’s hard to read this knowing how it ends, but I hope you’re getting some measure of comfort in sharing.

  5. Again, our stories are so very similar. I remember the nerves going into that first ultrasound and being so scared. But then happy (yet cautious) that there was a baby, with a heartbeat, in my belly. I still knew that measuring 2 weeks behind was not a good thing, but tried to be optimistic.
    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve struggled with anger about going through the exhaustion and morning sickness for so many weeks…all for nothing. I feel as though I lost time with my girls as I laid on the couch miserable and unengaged with them. But on the flipside, I am really appreciating the energy I have for them now, now more than before my second pregnancy.

  6. Kate, thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this.

  7. Aw Kate, I am so sorry you are going through this. :(

  8. Hey Kate, I was also in the same situation when we first started to try and it was devastating and I was about 10 weeks and my body did not pass it naturally so I had to get a DandC. You are right our bodies are amazing, but sometimes things don’t develop right and if the baby was born it wouldn’t have survive so our body terminates the pregnancy. After my DandC I was pregnant with my baby girl 2 cycles later! Everything happens for a reason, i know it hurts, i know it sucks, but don’t let this get you down but let it make you stronger! Take each day as they come and I know cute little Owen will have a cute little sibling soon! And if you got pregnant on the first cycle then you will again in time! PS I love your blog! Email me if you want to chat.

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