She Says… Let’s Start at the Very Beginning

Deep breath.

Now that we know how this story is going to end, I feel like I can start to share it from the beginning. The last 11 weeks have been quite the roller coaster. I have had to turn around and walk backwards into territory I thought I had locked up and thrown away the key to on the day that I found out I was pregnant with Owen.

Apparently struggling with babymaking once wasn’t enough.

Here’s the short version of the story. I was pregnant. And while I still am at this minute, I won’t be for very much longer. This pregnancy, though it seemed to drag out for a very long time and felt for many weeks like it was going to grow into a sibling for Owen (a perfect little sibling with a perfect 2 ½ year age gap), is not going to. I’m sad. But I’m also relieved. The course of events over the last few weeks helped me see, over the many, many doctor’s appointments and tests, that this little life just wasn’t meant to be. Benjamin and I were able to come to terms with that slowly, little by little, as the information trickled in. And now we are at peace with how this has gone, and how it will, inevitably, end.

This blog began as a journal of my struggle with fertility. It was “anonymous” in the sense that no one in my life knew that it existed, even though I used my real name and even posted a few pictures. A couple of people found out about it along the way, but mostly it was my private (yet very public) place to cope with the struggle of getting pregnant. Once I got pregnant it became a place to share the joy of being a mother and the ups and downs that came along with that new title and our new life as a family of three.

Now that so many friends and family members and coworkers read the blog, it is nowhere near as anonymous as it used to be. While fertility used to be the main focus, it felt strange to announce that we were “ready to start trying” and to chronicle the timeline. To be honest I felt that doing so would add a pressure to this process that I didn’t want to deal with. I so very much wanted to get pregnant easily the second time around and be a beacon of hope for those who struggled in the past to say, “Look! This can happen to you too!”.

And I almost was.

We got pregnant the first cycle we started trying, without temping or ovulation predictor kits or crazy obsession with my internal organs. Which is pretty much the opposite of what happened with my first pregnancy. But something (ahem… that elusive Mother’s Intuition…) told me that I just wasn’t ready to share the news yet. I wasn’t ready to experience this pregnancy so publicly. I just… wasn’t.

But now, even though the “end” isn’t quite here yet, I’m ready to share it. I’m ready to talk. Because the absolute best thing that has ever come from writing this blog is the individual emails, comments, tweets, conversations and phone calls in which people have said, “Thank you for writing about this. I’m going through the same thing and it was so helpful to read your words. They’ve made me feel so much better.” If I can help even one person out there feel comforted or educated or understood, it is worth it to share this story. If I can open one person’s eyes to the fact that many more people struggle to get pregnant than they might realize, it is worth it to write these words.

Over the next few days I’ll share the journal I kept over the last few weeks.

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40 responses to “She Says… Let’s Start at the Very Beginning

  1. nancyholtzman

    My heart and hugs go out to you.
    I lost three pregnancies between my first and second children, each around 10-12 weeks and for different reasons. I hope your journey will become easier as the days go on. We, your IRL friends, and your many readers, we’re all here for you.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear this, guys. Hope you’re both okay and, as always, thanks for sharing and being so honest. It’s what makes me look forward to your blog posts every day xxx

  3. Lots of hugs to you. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
    I had a miscarriage around 10-11 weeks last November, and then another one shortly after. Blogging through it was the best therapy, and the outpouring of support made the whole “I’m talking about something that NOBODY talks about” part of it absolutely worth it.

  4. I am so sorry for your loss.

  5. I am so so sorry for your loss. We had a miscarriage with a D&C before I became pregnant with my daughter, after struggling with infertility. It was so painful, but we also knew it wasn’t meant to be. You are so brave to be sharing your journal on such a public forum! It wasn’t until we were 13 weeks along with Maya that we even felt comfortable telling our family and friends about the first pregnancy. Huge to you and your family.

  6. Please know that we are all thinking of you. Take care of yourself at this time. I’m so sorry.

  7. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Even though it’s really hard to come to the point of truly feeling like it just wasn’t meant to be and a loss will mean a part of you is now missing it’s very reassuring (and almost freeing for me) once you come to that point.

    I’ve followed your blog since you announced your pregnancy to Owen and at the time I was engaged, but now my husband and I are expecting our first baby in October (after experiencing a miscarriage that we shared with no one except our parents and siblings) I have loved going back and reading all your old posts I remember reading them for the first time knowing they would come in handy some day. Having the opportunity to share your story and talk about your challenges will help you move through this challenging chapter.

  8. Oh Kate, I am so sorry to read this :( My thoughts are with you guys right now. I’m glad you can use this blog as an outlet for all you are going through and I hope that it can bring you a source of comfort.

  9. Thanks for sharing. Sorry isn’t enough, but I am.

  10. I’m so sorry to hear this! You have been carrying a big weight these past few weeks and I hope sharing some it on the blog will give you comfort.

  11. Oh Kate, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

  12. I’m sorry for your family’s loss. Thanks for sharing this.

  13. I am so sorry! I most lurk at your blog, but I wanted to come out of the woodwork to say how sorry I am. We recently experienced a pregnancy loss as well and have found that writing & talking about it has helped tremendously. My thoughts are with you & your family!

  14. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My own loss is still something that weighs on my heart and there are definitely not any words that will make this situation all better. But I’m glad you know that you have a supportive network of people out here to support you!

  15. Not sure it is enough to say I’m sorry. Thinking of you.

  16. Oh, Kate. Thinking of you tonight. It’s gotta be tough.

  17. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Benjamin during this time, and I hope that writing it out and sharing your experience are beneficial both to you and the many that share similar, experiences.

  18. Sending you my hugs and prayers.

  19. I am so sorry to hear this! My miscarriage was over a year ago and it’s still painful from time to time, but time really does heal the wounds. I am glad that you have this blog and I hope that all the thoughts and prayers will help you guys get through this tough time – I feel like that’s the only thing that can really help in a situation like this – other than just time.

    Sending you the biggest hug possible!!

  20. Oh hun, I’m so sorry for your loss, and having to go through this. Wish i could give you a real life hug. Take your time, share what you want to and don’t share what you don’t want to. Miscarriage is NEVER easy, even when you know something was wrong, or whatever. Big, big, giant HUG.

  21. I am terribly sorry to hear this. I hope that time does help. Also, please know that you have tons of support from your readers – hope that helps as well. Thank you for sharing this on the blog; I know that it helps others as well.

  22. So sorry that you’ve had such a rough time, Kate. Thinking of you and Ben.

  23. Oh Kate, I’m so so sorry. You are SUCH a strong woman and this post as you written all over it – strength, insight and grace.

  24. I am so sorry to hear this, Kate. Sending you a great big hug. Thank you for sharing what you’re going through — it does help others. Thinking of you …

  25. I am so sorry to hear this. Sending you a hug and thinking of you guys.

  26. I am so sorry to hear this. I admire your strength for sharing it, and I hope by sharing it you will be comforted and keep your courage and optimism. My thoughts are with you!

  27. I am so sorry for your loss. No matter how far along you may be, it’s always difficult. I have been reading your blog from day 1, my husband and I going on an almost identical journey to yours including having our sons 4-5 weeks apart! Now, it seems, though so unfortunate, that the similarities continue.
    After I stopped pumping, I started getting my period (which I had not been able to do without taking progesterone prior to getting pregnant with my son). After 1 cycle, we were pregnant. We couldn’t believe it. After trying for so long and going through many treatments to have our first little miracle, we were blessed to get pregnant again and surprisingly easily. Well, it wasn’t meant to be. At around 8 weeks, there was no sign of a baby in the gestational sac. We waited a few weeks and checked again and still nothing. I was diagnosed with blighted ovum and we were advised to have a D&C.
    We were not that far along and yet it was extremely difficult. But having my beautiful son by my side did help so much.
    Now we are trying again, but no more periods. So, it’s back to our fertility specialist again. Hopefully we are just as lucky this time with IUI as we were the last time.
    Thanks for sharing all your stories with us.

  28. Hugs to you.

  29. I’m so sorry to hear this. I am going through a similar situation. We lost our miracle pregnancy at 10 weeks. I had a D&C on June 20. We are waiting on genetic testing results to try to figure out what happened (baby died around 9.5 weeks). This experience has been so much harder than I ever thought, even though I knew throughout my pregnancy that something wasn’t right. My hormone levels were initially very low and the baby measured 2 weeks behind throughout my short pregnancy.
    Take comfort in sweet Owen and lean on the support of your husband, friends, fellow bloggers to get you through this.
    Thank you for sharing your story. I have felt so alone these past few weeks and hearing my other bloggers stories and their comments have helped me so much.
    (((hugs)))

  30. So sorry for your loss Kate, Ben, and Owen. xxoo

  31. Kate, I’m so sorry for you and Benjamin. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. After reading all the comments, I hope you see you are definitely not alone…although I feel that every women’s experience with miscarriage is her own. You sound like you are in a better place emotionally now and that’s reassuring for all of us to read. Take good care of yourself, Kate.

  32. Very sorry, Kate. Hugs to Ben, too.
    -Amanda

  33. I am so sorry! I am thinking about you and your family!

  34. Oh Kate. I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for being so open and honest.

  35. VillagePsych

    Oh Kate, you are so brave (zip line brave) and I am thinking of you. I have read your blog for about a year now, based on my interest in infertility, and then my interest in adorable Owen updates and your creativity. I know that there will be a happier ending later on for your family, just as Owen has given you guys (and us! :) ) so much joy after pain.

  36. Kate, sending love your way. I am so sorry to hear about this…

    I’m off to read your most recent post now… :(

    Hugs to you and your little family.

  37. I’m just catching up, I’m so, so sorry to read this. What an emotional roller coaster for you both. I lost a pregnancy 4 years ago, but so many of those emotions still seem so fresh. Wishing you healing and peace.

  38. Thank you for sharing. Reading helps me remember to be so much more present and thankful for what I’ve got. As a mom with no biological children, I often have doubts on whether I’ve made a big mistake. Reading all of the different experiences of all the different kinds of mothers reminds me to really revel in what I do have.

  39. Pingback: Miscarriage: Sharing your life | Contented Momma

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